How to Advise Someone as to What Kind of Computer They Should Buy

When helping a technophobe get their feet wet with computers, one wants to simplify things. But it is possible to take that urge too far. My elderly father decided to finally get “on the internet.” He went to the Apple Store and got himself an iPad, which I thought was a good choice, all things considered.

A few weeks later I asked him how he liked it. He didn’t.

He got it home, tried to use it, and gave up in frustration after a few days and several attempts. I asked a long series of questions and eventually figured out the problem. The salesman at the Apple Store told him that he could do everything he wanted to using Siri. Dad walked out with the impression that he could press the on button, then just tell Siri what he wanted, and she would do it for him. He spent three days barking orders at his iPad and having Siri refuse to do what he wanted. I don’t blame him for not enjoying that.

It probably reminded him of his marriage to my mother.

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How to Tell People About Your Dreams

Odd that this comic that references Magnum P.I. should come up. Just this week, at the supermarket, I took a picture of this puzzling item.

I have nothing against Tom Selleck, but I don’t understand the need for a Tom Selleck magazine.

I realize this is probably not a monthly, or even a quarterly publication. I suspect it’s a one-off, but still, why? Why Tom Selleck? Why does it get such a prominent spot, right next to the checkstand? Is he that important of a cultural figure? Was there nobody they thought was more deserving of this attention? And why now? The picture on the cover is from the early 1980s. There can’t be enough new information about Tom Selleck to justify this.

All of the questions I had were only magnified when I saw the magazine on the rack below.

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How to Remember the Good Old Days

Yes, internet services keep track of what you do, anonymize the data, and sell it to those who might want to predict your future actions to sell you related goods and services.

Small town gossips are different in that they keep track of what you do, clearly identify exactly who you are, share the information freely with others who want to focus on your past actions, and discuss at length why all of those actions were all wrong.

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How to Describe a Memorable Performance

A 100% true story. The magician was running late, had to leave home in a hurry, and left most of his props behind. Then when he arrived at the venue, he basically walked directly from the parking lot to the stage, and only discovered as he went for pieces of his equipment that he didn’t have them.

I had to cut out the part where he had to admit he couldn’t do a rope trick, despite the fact that he clearly had ropes, because the ropes he had weren’t “prepared.”

It was a terrible magic show, but to be fair, my comedy act following him didn’t go great either, because nothing I said was half as funny as the failed magic act the audience had just seen.

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How to Reconsider a Relationship

Missy likes Ric . . . from a distance. She thinks he’s a good guy, a good friend, and very funny. The only issue is that Ric isn’t really himself around women. Ric and I have joked that women either immediately dislike him or they marry him and eventually come to dislike him. This has caused him to keep a certain defensive posture when dealing with women he wants to get along with but does not want to marry. While I find that unfortunate, I can’t really complain about the fact that my wife falls into that category.

Note from Missy:  When Ric is talking with Scott, he sometimes refers to me as “Skippy.” I have no idea why, but I’ve always assumed that since he made up a nickname for me that isn’t “The Shrew” or “Your Old Ball and Chain,” he likes me in his own weird way. 😊

How to Behave When "the Big Boss" Comes

A couple of months back a comic mentioned Storm, of the musical duo Paul and Storm. This one features Paul as the CEO.

In my corporate office job, we’d occasionally have bigwigs from HQ come to town to get a feel for how the office worked. Most of the staff would try extra hard to make it look as if they were very busy and productive.

Meanwhile, the people in charge of the office would invariably hold a mandatory reception with snacks and beverages so that the bigwig could get to know everyone in a “relaxed setting.”

Because of these clashing strategies, what the bigwig would actually see was the management and staff working at crossed purposes, which it could be argued was an accurate view of how the office worked.

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How to Adjust to a Change in Your Lifestyle

The previous comic was about health insurance. This one is about working from home. These feel weirdly appropriate to current events, considering they were written seven years ago.

The first job I ever had where someone else paid me to do work from my home, at my own pace, was writing for a computer game nobody played for a company that no longer exists. I remember one morning I got up, put on my bathrobe, kissed Missy goodbye as she left for work, sat down at my computer to write, and aside from bathroom and snack breaks, stayed there until Missy got home. I was surprised how little it seemed to impress her. It’s hard to convince someone how hard you’re working when you never bothered to put on pants.

I should also point out that The Venture Brothers has recently been canceled. It remains my favorite TV show. If you like my work, particularly the Rocket Hat and Knifeketeer stuff, I strongly suggest you give it a shot.

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How to Convince Someone to Do the Right Thing

Just this week I had a dental hygienist explain to me that modern dental insurance is, for the most part, a discount plan. I pay a company a monthly fee, and in return I get the discount they negotiated with the dentist when I pay for my dental care.

I forget who told me this, but someone once said, “There’s very little you can learn that isn’t bad news.” The older I get, the more I see the wisdom in that.

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How to Send a Clear Message

It’s been years since I lived in Seattle, long enough that when I’ve gone back to visit the city is substantially changed. One of my chief memories of the time I spent there is that driving in the downtown area instilled a powerful hatred of pedestrians. It’s like they believed that rain gave them the legal right to jaywalk, and the fact that rain also decreased visibility and made it harder to stop on a dime was the driver’s problem. The rain would start and people would dart out into the road, running hunched over, the way characters in movies do when they’re trying to keep from getting spotted.

I can’t tell you how many times some jaywalker gave me a dirty look and the finger right after I had saved their life.

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How to Be a Considerate Spouse

It’s true, she still trounces me at Scrabble on a regular basis.

It is also true that we have only ever played Monopoly against each other once, back when we were engaged, and I beat her in less than thirty minutes. I don’t suggest playing Monopoly with your fiancée or spouse. The game requires a certain disregard for your opponent’s feelings and self-esteem that makes it uniquely suited for playing with your siblings.

When I was a kid, we had a variation on the game where one or both of my brothers would agree to play Monopoly, but only if I set up the board and counted out the money. I’d spend five minutes setting the whole thing up (when you’re a kid that’s an eternity) and then when I’d tell them we were ready to start they’d say, “Nah.” Watching me unhappily pack the game up while they laughed constituted “winning” in “Meyer Rules Monopoly.”

Note from Missy: To be fair, though, I disliked Monopoly long before I ever met Scott. So it’s not like that one trouncing made me hate it; it just confirmed that my pre-existing hatred was accurate.

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