How to Wreak Your Revenge

I’m not a vengeful person by nature, because to take revenge requires effort. I’ll carry a grudge forever. Grudges weigh nothing. I just don’t act on them. Instead, I wait patiently for the subject of my ire to suffer some misfortune on their own. Then, I look at them and slowly raise one eyebrow, which invariably makes them think I had something to do with it.

Vengeance is mine, and with almost no work required on my end!

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How to Make a Joint Decision

Certain people I know think they’re too good to eat at a buffet. They say they’d rather eat “somewhere nice.” To them I say that I’ve seen these so called “nice places,” and I would like to know how nice they can possibly if they don’t have a sneeze guard.

I mean, sure, the decor might be fancier, and your dinner hasn’t been sitting under a heat lamp like a newborn lamb in a pen, and everything’s brought to you by an attentive server without you having to wait in a line, but what guarantee do I have that my food hasn’t been sneezed on?

If I can’t see a sneeze guard with my own eyes, I have to assume that my food has been sneezed on, and I ask you, how nice is that?

Note from Missy: King’s Spork! I wonder if King’s Table or Royal Fork are still in business. Here in Phoenix the big name in buffets is Golden Corral, which sounds less like I’m having an elegant spread fit for royalty, and more like I’m a hog being lead to a trough.  Which … hmmm, that’s pretty apt.

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How to Express Yourself Forcefully

In Seattle, there is a science fiction museum. I visited there once. During that visit, I overheard some guy misidentify a statue of Gort as Twiki. I was so preoccupied obsessing over his ignorance and then trying to understand why his folly was bothering me so much that I remember little else about the museum.

Note from Missy: “Words are just an invitation. Actions are the party.” Dang, that’s some sage wisdom. I kind of want to write that out in my fanciest lettering over a poignant photo.

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How to Capitalize on Your Talents

I had a job in the back room of a chain-fast-seafood restaurant that, if it’s still in business, certainly isn’t as successful and ubiquitous as it once was. Having worked there, I don’t have to ask why.

One possible reason was that they had not yet at that point (the very early ’90s) found a frozen breaded fish fillet that met their exacting standards. So, in addition to cleaning the dishes, the chowder pot, and the floors, one of my duties at the end of every shift was to clean the breading off of that day’s unused fish so that it could all be re-breaded the next morning.

To this day, I’d prefer to get fish and chips at a place that uses frozen fish to one that says their fish is “fresh, hand-breaded.”

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How to Create a Hypothetical Business

Sadly, there are a few smaller operations in the Orlando area that are pretty close to executing this marketing gimmick by accident.

One of the hundreds of crazy things about Orlando, Florida is that many business operators look at a city that boasts two of the largest, most famous theme parks in the world and say to themselves, “I think I’ll open a tiny little theme park next to a strip mall.”

Cruise down International Drive and you’ll see roller coasters, water parks, go-kart tracks, and mini golf courses that, if they were located in (oh, let’s say) Yakima, Washington, would be treated like the eighth wonder of the modern world. Instead, they sit on an asphalt pad across the street from Baskin Robbins and “Fairvilla’s Sexy Things,” and get patronized by teenagers who are already irritated that their parents didn’t spring for park passes to cover every day of the trip.

When Missy and I first moved to Orlando, there was an abandoned building shaped like a skull, with a dilapidated sign out front that read “A Haunted Attraction,” Which would be a FANTASTIC name for a goth band.

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How to Assist a Coworker Who Is Stoned on Cold Medicine

When I was in college (Community college. That counts! Don’t be petty.) Some friends called me and said that I should come over because two of them were each going to drink an entire bottle of a specific over-the-counter cough syrup and “see what happened.”

What happened was that I learned that watching two guys lying around in a mumbling stupor wasn’t nearly as entertaining as I’d hoped.

They guys were okay, though I believe neither of them ever did that again, which says something for how enjoyable the experience was.

One of them is a schoolteacher now. There’s something to think about at your next parent-teacher conference.

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How to Resurrect a Dead Character

My good friend Rodney, the guy the character Rodney was based on, has a really fun You Tube channel going. If you have any interest in motorcycles, RVs, or laughing, please go check it out.

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How to Be a Good Friend

There is something to be said for laughing at how bad things have gotten. Rick understands this.

When I was a comedian, I was accused of being a masochist, because the worse the setup, and the more uninterested the audience, the funnier I found everything. Many was the night that my opening act would be standing in a corner of the bar with no raised platform, a single track-light shining directly in his face, and Radio Shack’s least expensive microphone in his hand. He would tell a joke, receive an indifferent silence from the audience and the sound of me laughing diabolically in the distance, which would have made sense if not for the fact that I was going to have to go on right after him, and do twice as much time.

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How to Analyze a Corporation's Questionable Advertising Choices

This is based on a real mascot, called “Li’l Sammy Mover.” I found the concept to be poorly thought out.

Another mascot that wasn’t given a lot of thought belongs to a restaurant in Butte, Montana called Pork Chop John’s which is the home of “John’s Pork Chop.” Their mascot is a pig wearing a crown, named “Pork Chop King.” I find that disturbing, as if he’s a despotic ruler who is inviting me to eat his subjects. For all I know, those pork chops are made from dissidents who spoke out against the Pork Chop King’s corrupt regime. I feel bad enough eating a fried pork chop sandwich and a side of pork nuggets without that kind of moral ambiguity.

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How to Play "Who Would Win" (Advanced Techniques)

One interesting thing about the ’70s (The decade with “gusto”) is that gay men were represented on TV, but mostly it was either young straight actors playing gay men (Billy Crystal on Soap and John Ritter on Three’s Company [okay, he was a straight actor playing a straight man pretending to be gay]) or it was men who everyone was pretty sure were gay, and made occasional jokes about maybe being gay, but who didn’t really acknowledge it. (Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Reilly, Liberace, etc.) Somebody much smarter than me can probably explain why that was. I just find it interesting, the weird mid-way points society goes through when a group is taking the (sadly) long journey from intolerance to acceptance.

An interesting side note. Wayne Newton hated Johnny Carson and continues to speak ill of him to this day. My understanding is that it dates back to the ’60s and ’70s, when Carson used to do jokes on the Tonight Show suggesting that Newton was gay and connected to the mafia, which is sort of a difficult combo to pull off.

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