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How to Answer the Question "What's Bothering You?"

May 16, 2018 by Scott Meyer

My brothers and I all suffer from the same problem: insincere looking smiles. I think it has something to do with our upper lip geometry. We can smirk with the best of them, and we all do a toothless-smile-of-mild-contentment well, but if we attempt any smile that involves showing teeth the effect falls somewhere between used car salesman who hates your guts, and guy who really hopes you’ll decide that there’s no reason to look in his garden shed.

 

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May 16, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Handle Exposition

May 14, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Not all exposition needs to be handled in dialog. Some of the smaller details can be left as very subtle clues. Readers who find and understand these hints will feel clever, and those who don’t probably won’t miss them. For instance, the S on Stabby’s shirt is supposed to look as if is was made from crudely smeared blood stains. Two separate stains, as if they were created after two different stabbings. Stabbings that held special significance.

In panel three, I mention that Stabby’s parents were found stabbed, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

 

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May 14, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to "Get Your Head Around" an Unbelievable Fact

May 11, 2018 by Scott Meyer

I was told about coffee and cheese. The mayo on pizza is something I witnessed with my own, horrified eyes.

 

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May 11, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Be Persuasive

May 09, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Panel 3 is one of the best drawings of myself I ever did. Yes, I’m aware that in it I look insane.

The tall chair thing is something LBJ used to do. He had a specific chair, in which only he was allowed to sit, installed in Air Force One. It, and the desk in front of it, were designed so that he could adjust their height, ensuring that he would tower over the people seated around him.

Also, if you look at the desks on late night talk shows you’ll see that the host’s seat is always higher than the guests’ chair. Andy Kaufman made a joke about it in a PBS special once. (Think about that for a moment. There was a time that Andy Kaufman was doing specials on PBS!)

 

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May 09, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Help Pick a Baby Name

May 07, 2018 by Scott Meyer

This is one of the meanest comics I wrote. I also like it more than most. I do want to make it clear that all of the insults are aimed at Jenkins, not his girlfriend or their unborn child. Making fun of either of them would be unconscionable, in my opinion. The child didn’t do anything wrong, and while the girlfriend made one bad decision (getting in a relationship with Jenkins), I’m sure she’s already suffered for it.

Note from Missy: If this were written today, I’d probably ask Scott to name the baby “Burdyn” instead (or “Burdynne” for a girl), since that seems to be the way the last 8 years have taken us.

 

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May 07, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Choose a Nickname

May 04, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Okay, I want to tell this story, but I need to be careful about what I say, and how I say it.

I had a coworker at one of the Disney locations I worked who referred to himself, in the third person, as “The Maverick.” Literally. He would enter a room and say, “Uh oh! Here comes the Maverick!”

I may have mentioned here that I don’t have a lot of faith in my own memory as far as dates, times, and important tasks go. Sci-Fi movies, dialog from The Simpsons, and times I’ve been insulted, those I remember for life. I need to write everything else down. So, I always carried a notebook with me at work, and would jot down notes as needed.

One day, The Maverick saw me writing down a reminder about something and confronted me about it. It seems at his previous location, in one of the theme parks, his coworkers had taken detailed notes of his “activities,” creating a paper trail that led to his being given the choice of either transferring out of that specific area, or being terminated.

I can’t say what he was doing wrong without getting into a lot more detail than I can here, but I can tell you that he was NOT endangering anybody’s safety, management was right to threaten to fire him, and the guests who complained were all from the same racial background. I know all this because he told me what he did, proudly, still utterly convinced that he was right.

Stories like this are why I believe, deep in my heart, that in any line of work where the jobs are filled by human beings, there will be a certain number of them who are incompetent or deranged enough to be a problem, but not quite enough to have been fired yet. We tend to overestimate the numbers of these problem people, because they’re the ones we hear about, either in amusing anecdotes, or on the evening news.

 

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May 04, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Select a Dish to Bring to an Office Potluck

May 02, 2018 by Scott Meyer

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If your workplace holds a potluck during the regular lunch break, in the regular lunchroom, it is not a celebration. It’s an ordinary meal break, but with everyone sharing their sack lunch.

 

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May 02, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Appreciate American Cuisine

April 30, 2018 by Scott Meyer

The first time this comic ran I received more than one e-mail from readers who had worked at McDonalds, claiming that the reason their Diet Coke tastes better is that they clean the soda fountain and supply lines according to Coca-Cola’s guidelines.

Whether that’s true or not, it’s a great piece of PR for McDonalds to put out there. “We’re not saying our competitors’ restaurants are filthy. Your taste buds are saying it. We’re just agreeing.”

 

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April 30, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Vent

April 27, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Yes, I wrote this after watching a Christmas choral performance. Yes, I stood there, too distracted by my disdain for the conductor to enjoy the music.

He just looked so nauseatingly pleased with himself, standing with his back to the audience, waving his fingers while other people sang. Then, when the song was over, he took a big theatrical bow as the audience applauded. I wanted to shout, “Nobody’s applauding you, jackass! Now sit down, you’re blocking my view of the talented people!”

There are those who have heard that story and accused me of not having much Christmas spirit.

 

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April 27, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Overcome Your Fear

April 25, 2018 by Scott Meyer

When I wrote this, Missy and I lived in Orlando. Designing a city to be a great place to visit sort of makes it a bizarre place to live. For example, there is a high school across the street from one of the back walls of Universal Islands of Adventure. You can see the spires of Hogwarts castle from the school’s parking lot. You can hear the riders on the rollercoasters screaming as you drive past the football field. Can you imagine what torture that must be for the students on a pleasant spring day? Growing up in Eastern Washington I used to sit in class and stare longingly out the window, and I was looking at asparagus fields and feed lots.

Note from Missy: I went into my photo archives and found a picture of a little bird licking inside Scott’s ear. Man, I miss that one specific part of Gatorland. 

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April 25, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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