How to Wear a Hat

When this comic first ran there was an argument in the comments about the concept of “invasive brain surgery.” More than one reader maintained that any brain surgery must be, by definition, invasive.

One of the problems with being kind of a pedant who makes a comic about a guy who’s kind of a pedant is that the comments section will tend to draw pedants.

If you’ve ever wondered why I no longer have comments, now you know.

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How to Understand People Who say They "Hate" Cats

Missy and I have cats. We love our cats. I have also lived in homes with dogs. I loved them as well.

The best dog I’ve ever known was a sixty-pound boxer named Stimpy who believed she was a lap dog. Not only was she just great company, but she also once bit the end off of a rubber squeaky toy and just sat there breathing through the whistle. She looked really pleased with herself.

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How to Manage the Relationship Between Your Spouse and Your Best Friend

If memory serves, there were those who read this comic the first time it was published and felt that Missy should be offended that I suggested that she thinks she’s always right. She was not offended, because she realizes that, for the most part, everyone always thinks they’re right about everything.

People don’t hold on to opinions they know are wrong. They often hold on to opinions they know are unpopular, but they assume they are right, and the majority are wrong.

On the rare occasions that people realize they’re wrong, they rethink things, change their minds, and instantly become convinced that they are right again.

The fact that we both find that kind of logical paradox amusing, or at least that she’s willing to listen as I explain them and find them funny, is part of why we make a good couple.

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How to Explain Your Personal Issues

I’ve stayed in bed and breakfasts twice, both during business travel when I didn’t get to choose my accommodations.

I found it unnerving. The person who runs your credit card and hands you your key greets you by name the next morning when they make your breakfast and comments about how much or little you eat. They also say goodbye every time you leave, say hello every time you return, and ask questions about where you went and what you did. They also clean your room and launder your towels and linens when you leave.

I knew the truth was that they didn’t really care who I was or what I did, but they pretended to care, and that creeped me out.

Also, both of the Bed and Breakfasts I stayed in had weirdly tall beds. Like, higher than waist height. I had to climb up into them. Weird.

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How to Impress People with Tales of Your Past Exploits

The idea of a thief leaving a calling card is ridiculous.

That said, when I was a little kid, the museum robbery at the beginning of The Return of the Pink Panther was one of the coolest things I had ever seen, even though it ended with the thief leaving a calling card. I guess if the plan involves dressing like a ninja then using a crossbow and a zipline, nothing can rob it of its coolness.

I’ve often wondered how many kids embarked on a life of crime because Blake Edwards made it look so good.

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How to Handle Life's Intrinsic Unfairness

“We never promised you justice.” Basically another way of saying “nobody said life was fair.” Which, it occurs to me, is usually what someone says when they specifically do something they know is unfair.

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How to Explain Your Systems

The title of this one is a reference to my favorite speech in all of Star Trek history, not only for the writing and the performance, but also for Kirk’s typical sensitive approach to solving the problem.

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How to Process Information that Disturbs You to Your Very Core

When I was a kid, I knew a guy who blinked in a way that bothered my mother. He didn’t just blink as he needed to. He’d save his blinks up. If you watched him closely you’d see that he would not blink for a long time, then flutter his eyelashes for a full second. It’s the kind of thing you might not notice at all, but once you do, of more accurately, once my mother did, she wasn’t able to think about anything else.

She modeled proper behavior for me and my brothers by never bringing it up to my friend for fear of embarrassing him. Instead, she just complained endlessly about it when he was not around. Now here I am criticizing her on a website I know for a fact she has never read. A new generation learns from the one previous.

Note from Missy: Speaking of how Jenkins blinks, I kind of can’t believe we still have this website.

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How to Kill a Joke

In a lot of ways, creating comedy is like building a house of cards. One of the similarities is that you’re more likely to finish if you’re alone when you do it. If even one person is in the room with you and sees you building a house of cards, they will be tempted to either bump the table or “accidentally” startle you. My theory is that successfully building a house of cards is tremendously satisfying and very difficult, while destroying someone else’s house of cards is only a little satisfying, but very, very easy. It seems to be basic human nature, and the same thing happens with comedy.

One of the most popular ways to knock down a comedian’s house of cards is to deliberately misunderstand a joke, often before the joke has even finished, interpret it in the most offensive possible way, then demand an explanation or an apology. You’d be surprised how often this happens, even in the middle of a show at a crowded comedy club.

There’s a reason so many comedians seem to be fundamentally angry people.

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How to Have an Enjoyable Group Activity

More than once I have seen a gathering—built around the idea that several people are going to get together to do a thing they all enjoy but never get to do—get ruined by one person who comes along, doesn’t want to do the thing everybody else plans to, but also doesn’t want to feel excluded. Looking back at it now, more often than not, the person who killed the activity was usually someone dating one of the more enthusiastic parties.

The cliché is that people who play role-playing and tabletop games can’t get a date, but maybe the problem is that once they start dating they can’t get a decent game going.

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