How to Remember the Good Times

I have this theory that nostalgia is just a side effect of people’s well-documented inability to remember pain accurately. We remember that things hurt, but we don’t specifically recall the exact sensation. Because of that we remember being young, free, and having most of life ahead of us, but we don’t remember being broke, lonely, or worried about the future.

I believe another side effect of the inability to remember pain accurately is that women sometimes willingly give birth to a second child.

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How to Make a Goal and Stick to It

A long time ago, I worked at a video store. One of my coworkers was a young woman who was trying to quit smoking. She asked me to keep an eye on her, and if she seemed like she was considering having a cigarette, to talk her out of it.

Two days later, another coworker, her “best friend,” asked her to go out back and have a cigarette with her. I told her that I’d promised to try to talk her out of it. She said she remembered, and chose not to go smoke. Later her friend scolded me, saying that I didn’t know how hard it is to quit and that I should be more supportive. I explained that I thought I was being supportive by helping her be strong. The friend disagreed and maintained that the kind thing was to let her have “one lousy cigarette” with her friends to make quitting easier.

The one who was trying to quit smoking and her best friend didn’t work at the video store much longer. They were both fired, and prosecuted. The “best friend” talked her into helping her steal a customer’s credit card number and use it to buy an extremely elaborate bong. I’m certain she was extremely supportive through the entire ordeal.

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How to Deal with Mistakes

This was inspired by a real article I read, and yes, the writer did say that Apple’s design studio reminded him of “the last scene of the movie 2010.” And yes, I had trouble concentrating about anything else for several hours after I read that.

The last scene of the movie 2010, for the record, depicts mankind being reminded that there are more powerful beings in the cosmos and that we need to shape up. There are no obvious parallels to Apple in that, unless you’ve been following their legal battle with Epic Games.

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How to Advise Someone as to What Kind of Computer They Should Buy

When helping a technophobe get their feet wet with computers, one wants to simplify things. But it is possible to take that urge too far. My elderly father decided to finally get “on the internet.” He went to the Apple Store and got himself an iPad, which I thought was a good choice, all things considered.

A few weeks later I asked him how he liked it. He didn’t.

He got it home, tried to use it, and gave up in frustration after a few days and several attempts. I asked a long series of questions and eventually figured out the problem. The salesman at the Apple Store told him that he could do everything he wanted to using Siri. Dad walked out with the impression that he could press the on button, then just tell Siri what he wanted, and she would do it for him. He spent three days barking orders at his iPad and having Siri refuse to do what he wanted. I don’t blame him for not enjoying that.

It probably reminded him of his marriage to my mother.

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How to Tell People About Your Dreams

Odd that this comic that references Magnum P.I. should come up. Just this week, at the supermarket, I took a picture of this puzzling item.

I have nothing against Tom Selleck, but I don’t understand the need for a Tom Selleck magazine.

I realize this is probably not a monthly, or even a quarterly publication. I suspect it’s a one-off, but still, why? Why Tom Selleck? Why does it get such a prominent spot, right next to the checkstand? Is he that important of a cultural figure? Was there nobody they thought was more deserving of this attention? And why now? The picture on the cover is from the early 1980s. There can’t be enough new information about Tom Selleck to justify this.

All of the questions I had were only magnified when I saw the magazine on the rack below.

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How to Remember the Good Old Days

Yes, internet services keep track of what you do, anonymize the data, and sell it to those who might want to predict your future actions to sell you related goods and services.

Small town gossips are different in that they keep track of what you do, clearly identify exactly who you are, share the information freely with others who want to focus on your past actions, and discuss at length why all of those actions were all wrong.

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How to Describe a Memorable Performance

A 100% true story. The magician was running late, had to leave home in a hurry, and left most of his props behind. Then when he arrived at the venue, he basically walked directly from the parking lot to the stage, and only discovered as he went for pieces of his equipment that he didn’t have them.

I had to cut out the part where he had to admit he couldn’t do a rope trick, despite the fact that he clearly had ropes, because the ropes he had weren’t “prepared.”

It was a terrible magic show, but to be fair, my comedy act following him didn’t go great either, because nothing I said was half as funny as the failed magic act the audience had just seen.

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How to Reconsider a Relationship

Missy likes Ric . . . from a distance. She thinks he’s a good guy, a good friend, and very funny. The only issue is that Ric isn’t really himself around women. Ric and I have joked that women either immediately dislike him or they marry him and eventually come to dislike him. This has caused him to keep a certain defensive posture when dealing with women he wants to get along with but does not want to marry. While I find that unfortunate, I can’t really complain about the fact that my wife falls into that category.

Note from Missy:  When Ric is talking with Scott, he sometimes refers to me as “Skippy.” I have no idea why, but I’ve always assumed that since he made up a nickname for me that isn’t “The Shrew” or “Your Old Ball and Chain,” he likes me in his own weird way. 😊

How to Behave When "the Big Boss" Comes

A couple of months back a comic mentioned Storm, of the musical duo Paul and Storm. This one features Paul as the CEO.

In my corporate office job, we’d occasionally have bigwigs from HQ come to town to get a feel for how the office worked. Most of the staff would try extra hard to make it look as if they were very busy and productive.

Meanwhile, the people in charge of the office would invariably hold a mandatory reception with snacks and beverages so that the bigwig could get to know everyone in a “relaxed setting.”

Because of these clashing strategies, what the bigwig would actually see was the management and staff working at crossed purposes, which it could be argued was an accurate view of how the office worked.

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How to Adjust to a Change in Your Lifestyle

The previous comic was about health insurance. This one is about working from home. These feel weirdly appropriate to current events, considering they were written seven years ago.

The first job I ever had where someone else paid me to do work from my home, at my own pace, was writing for a computer game nobody played for a company that no longer exists. I remember one morning I got up, put on my bathrobe, kissed Missy goodbye as she left for work, sat down at my computer to write, and aside from bathroom and snack breaks, stayed there until Missy got home. I was surprised how little it seemed to impress her. It’s hard to convince someone how hard you’re working when you never bothered to put on pants.

I should also point out that The Venture Brothers has recently been canceled. It remains my favorite TV show. If you like my work, particularly the Rocket Hat and Knifeketeer stuff, I strongly suggest you give it a shot.

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