How to Decide What to Do

Disney owns both Winnie the Pooh and Fozzie Bear. They could, theoretically, do a sitcom based on this idea. Have a situation where they have to move in together. Either Tigger or Gonzo could serve as a wacky neighbor. It’d make a great web series, or something for the streaming service they’re working on.

On an unrelated note, looking at this comic now, through the corrective lens of time, I am not exactly proud of what a prominent role the phrase “Hershey Squirts” plays in the dialog. I use it five times in two separate panels.

To make up for the PR damage I’ve done to the Hershey’s brand, here’s a link to a surprisingly elaborate dark ride about how delicious Hershey’s chocolate is made.

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How to Explain Your Tastes

I stand by my statement in panel three. If there were any fruit in Dr Pepper, even prune juice, they’d shout it from the rooftops.

Also, if it acted as a laxative, which is a common piece of anti-Dr Pepper propaganda, they’d repackage it as a medicine and charge a lot more for it. Especially if it was a gentle laxative. There’s a huge market for that sort of thing. Watch any daytime TV and you’ll see that I’m right.

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How to Recuperate from a Minor Surgical Procedure

This strip was written after having my tonsillectomy.

I could only eat the very softest of foods. Part of the reason they always push ice cream is that it’s a food that literally becomes a beverage if you hold it in your mouth long enough.

The doctor also recommended applesauce. I’ve always hated applesauce. I’m from Yakima, home of the Red Delicious apple (which, as I’ve said before, is the crappy fruit that’s name is a lie). As such, I tend to hold apples in low regard to begin with, and I know for a fact that it’s not the best apples that get “sauced.”

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How to Summarize a Complex Topic

There is an excellent episode of the PBS series Frontline about retirement planning that has a lot of good information about mutual and index funds. (Or at least I thought so. I am no expert.)

It’s also available on Amazon Prime Video. Just search for Frontline, season 31, episode 12

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As for managed mutual funds, I always wonder, if they really can dependably beat the stock market, why do they need commissions on my money? Wouldn’t they just make money by beating the stock market?

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How to Make People Uncomfortable

Scented lip balm. It’s a thing.

I think I would feel more comfortable buying feminine hygiene products than I would buying scented lip balm.

“Pardon me, madam. I wish to purchase this strawberry scented lip balm, but I assure you, it’s not because my lips smell bad as they are. I won’t put you on the spot by suggesting that you smell my lips for yourself, but I promise, they smell fine. And I’d know, as they are located right under my nose, with only my moustache to block the aroma. Indeed, my lips exude a perfectly normal lip odor. But that doesn’t mean they can’t smell better. After all, nobody buys lip-scented air freshener, or a deodorant labeled Mountain-lip. Ah, I see security’s here. I congratulate you on your promptness!”

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How to Handle a Customer Complaint

“You’re a moron. A moooron!” is something Ric says a lot.

Just to be clear, he doesn’t say it to me.

Well, okay, he says it to me, but not about me. He tells me stories about people he deals with, and it always ends with him silently shouting at them inside his own head, “You’re a moron. A moooron!”

There’s no concise term for silently shouting at someone inside your own head. I tried to come up with something. The two best ideas I generated were “shining” (“shouting,” but with the word “out” replaced with “in”) and “in-scream” (which rhymes with “inseam”).

Clearly, more thought is required.

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How to Impress NOBODY

Chickens are awful. When people talk about raising chickens for fun, to me, it’s like saying that they get dental work for recreational purposes, or are particularly proud of how well their most recent case of diarrhea worked out.

I am quite proud of this drawing of the farm guy holding a chicken though, despite the fact that no human would ever hold a chicken that way.

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How to Help Someone See Their Mistake

Again, sadly, this comic is based on a real person. I had a coworker who constantly talked about how everything was better at the place they’d worked before and couldn’t figure out why none of the management team seemed to like him.

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How to Explain Yourself

People seem confounded by my spelling of an anguished cry of alarm: “Bgdaaa!” The way I picture it, the B, G, and D all come out almost at once as an inarticulate cluster of consonants.

I will admit that in the most recent season of the Venture Brothers, when people were confused by the Monarch’s idiosyncratic phonetic spelling of evil laughter (MRUU-HAHA!), I was delighted that the Monarch and I had something in common.

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How to "Play" with Someone

All I’m saying is that if on a regular basis you have to tell someone who is angry with you, “Relax big guy, I’m just yankin’ your chain,”(or any variant, such as “calm down, Chief, I’m just bustin’ your chops.”) you should look hard in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I an asshole?”

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