How to Make People Uncomfortable

Scented lip balm. It’s a thing.

I think I would feel more comfortable buying feminine hygiene products than I would buying scented lip balm.

“Pardon me, madam. I wish to purchase this strawberry scented lip balm, but I assure you, it’s not because my lips smell bad as they are. I won’t put you on the spot by suggesting that you smell my lips for yourself, but I promise, they smell fine. And I’d know, as they are located right under my nose, with only my moustache to block the aroma. Indeed, my lips exude a perfectly normal lip odor. But that doesn’t mean they can’t smell better. After all, nobody buys lip-scented air freshener, or a deodorant labeled Mountain-lip. Ah, I see security’s here. I congratulate you on your promptness!”

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How to Handle a Customer Complaint

“You’re a moron. A moooron!” is something Ric says a lot.

Just to be clear, he doesn’t say it to me.

Well, okay, he says it to me, but not about me. He tells me stories about people he deals with, and it always ends with him silently shouting at them inside his own head, “You’re a moron. A moooron!”

There’s no concise term for silently shouting at someone inside your own head. I tried to come up with something. The two best ideas I generated were “shining” (“shouting,” but with the word “out” replaced with “in”) and “in-scream” (which rhymes with “inseam”).

Clearly, more thought is required.

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How to Impress NOBODY

Chickens are awful. When people talk about raising chickens for fun, to me, it’s like saying that they get dental work for recreational purposes, or are particularly proud of how well their most recent case of diarrhea worked out.

I am quite proud of this drawing of the farm guy holding a chicken though, despite the fact that no human would ever hold a chicken that way.

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How to Help Someone See Their Mistake

Again, sadly, this comic is based on a real person. I had a coworker who constantly talked about how everything was better at the place they’d worked before and couldn’t figure out why none of the management team seemed to like him.

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How to Explain Yourself

People seem confounded by my spelling of an anguished cry of alarm: “Bgdaaa!” The way I picture it, the B, G, and D all come out almost at once as an inarticulate cluster of consonants.

I will admit that in the most recent season of the Venture Brothers, when people were confused by the Monarch’s idiosyncratic phonetic spelling of evil laughter (MRUU-HAHA!), I was delighted that the Monarch and I had something in common.

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How to "Play" with Someone

All I’m saying is that if on a regular basis you have to tell someone who is angry with you, “Relax big guy, I’m just yankin’ your chain,”(or any variant, such as “calm down, Chief, I’m just bustin’ your chops.”) you should look hard in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I an asshole?”

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How to Embrace Change

I’ve blathered before about how my nephews’ Christmas lists are the stuff of science fiction. VR headsets, hoverboards, 3D printers, that kinda thing. This year is different, I don’t know if it’s because they’re older or it’s just how things progress, but this year they seem to be asking for videogames for consoles they already own and new copies of things they already own and have broken, which is pretty much what I was asking for at their age.

Had an interesting discussion with one of their parents about how many of the things they want are primarily sold digitally, so most of the things that get wrapped up and put under the tree are clothing, which I think we can all agree, were always the least satisfying things to unwrap.

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How to Give Somebody the Respect They Deserve

I stand by my position on Steve Jobs. He didn’t invent anything but his own public image, but he had tremendous taste and high standards, and we have all benefited from them.

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How to Discuss the Differences Between Men and Women

And before you try to tell me that no man would ever be attracted to a young woman dressed like an old man, I will suggest that you do an image search for “Diane Keaton Annie Hall.”

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How to Discuss a Decision With Which You Do Not Agree

The moment when I was told that the Death card didn’t mean death I knew I would never believe in Tarot cards. If it doesn’t mean death, then what’s the point of it being the death card? If it means renewal, make it the renewal card.

You know what kind of card deck I like? Uno. I like Uno decks because Draw Four means that you have to draw four cards. You never draw the Draw Four card and get told, “Oh, but it doesn’t mean draw four cards. In this situation it means that you trade three cards.”

If I’m getting my fortune read and I draw Death, followed by the ten of swords, I expect to be killed by ten swords. Anything else will make me feel ripped off.

Of course, I suspect that the Death card does mean death. The fortune tellers just won’t admit it. If you tell your customer that they’re going to die there’s a very real chance that they won’t pay you. When a fortune teller draws the Death card they just tell you it means renewal so that you’ll feel good. Then they insist on you settling your tab in cash, before you leave.

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