How to Handle Defeat

At the time I wrote this, the smartphone-scrabble industry was locked in a Pepsi/Coke, VHS/Beta war between two apps, neither of which was called “Scrabble.”

One app was more popular overall, but had only made an iOS app. Missy and I had, and have, Android phones, so we used the other one, and have been happy with it. To this day, we always have a game going. As such, I am constantly in the process of getting trounced. It’s good for me. Keeps my ego in check.

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How to Get the Most Out of a Group Exercise

One reason it’s good that I am nobody’s boss is that I’d almost certainly start meetings by having the staff go around the room, taking turns one by one giving their name, job title, and a brief description of how much they dislike pointless ice-breaking exercises.

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How to Rise to the Challenge

So, long ago, when I first started the comic, I told Ric what I was planning, and asked if he would pose for some photos I could use to draw his character. The very first pose he chose was one where he looked confused.

Years later, Rick changed his hair and glasses, so I needed to take new photos. I again asked him to pose. This time he’d seen a few years’ worth of the comic and how I’d treated the character based on the images he’d posed for. This time, the very first pose he came up with was the one you see in panels one and three, white knuckles, shouting in rage.

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How to Evaluate a News Story

This is based on a real news story. I remember not being able to turn on the news for a couple of days without being told that my horoscope was going to change. It had something to do with the moon’s gravitational pull shifting the Earth’s axis. Doing a quick internet search now, it looks like it was much ado about nothing for many of us, as it didn’t change the specific zodiac westerners use.

It’s interesting to think that your Zodiac sign, which we’re told is empirically immutable, based on mathematics and direct observation of undeniable physical reality, can change depending on who you ask and which system they used. In a way, it turns out your zodiac sign is a lot like your shoe size.

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How to Wreak Your Revenge

I’m not a vengeful person by nature, because to take revenge requires effort. I’ll carry a grudge forever. Grudges weigh nothing. I just don’t act on them. Instead, I wait patiently for the subject of my ire to suffer some misfortune on their own. Then, I look at them and slowly raise one eyebrow, which invariably makes them think I had something to do with it.

Vengeance is mine, and with almost no work required on my end!

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How to Make a Joint Decision

Certain people I know think they’re too good to eat at a buffet. They say they’d rather eat “somewhere nice.” To them I say that I’ve seen these so called “nice places,” and I would like to know how nice they can possibly if they don’t have a sneeze guard.

I mean, sure, the decor might be fancier, and your dinner hasn’t been sitting under a heat lamp like a newborn lamb in a pen, and everything’s brought to you by an attentive server without you having to wait in a line, but what guarantee do I have that my food hasn’t been sneezed on?

If I can’t see a sneeze guard with my own eyes, I have to assume that my food has been sneezed on, and I ask you, how nice is that?

Note from Missy: King’s Spork! I wonder if King’s Table or Royal Fork are still in business. Here in Phoenix the big name in buffets is Golden Corral, which sounds less like I’m having an elegant spread fit for royalty, and more like I’m a hog being lead to a trough.  Which … hmmm, that’s pretty apt.

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How to Express Yourself Forcefully

In Seattle, there is a science fiction museum. I visited there once. During that visit, I overheard some guy misidentify a statue of Gort as Twiki. I was so preoccupied obsessing over his ignorance and then trying to understand why his folly was bothering me so much that I remember little else about the museum.

Note from Missy: “Words are just an invitation. Actions are the party.” Dang, that’s some sage wisdom. I kind of want to write that out in my fanciest lettering over a poignant photo.

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How to Capitalize on Your Talents

I had a job in the back room of a chain-fast-seafood restaurant that, if it’s still in business, certainly isn’t as successful and ubiquitous as it once was. Having worked there, I don’t have to ask why.

One possible reason was that they had not yet at that point (the very early ’90s) found a frozen breaded fish fillet that met their exacting standards. So, in addition to cleaning the dishes, the chowder pot, and the floors, one of my duties at the end of every shift was to clean the breading off of that day’s unused fish so that it could all be re-breaded the next morning.

To this day, I’d prefer to get fish and chips at a place that uses frozen fish to one that says their fish is “fresh, hand-breaded.”

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How to Create a Hypothetical Business

Sadly, there are a few smaller operations in the Orlando area that are pretty close to executing this marketing gimmick by accident.

One of the hundreds of crazy things about Orlando, Florida is that many business operators look at a city that boasts two of the largest, most famous theme parks in the world and say to themselves, “I think I’ll open a tiny little theme park next to a strip mall.”

Cruise down International Drive and you’ll see roller coasters, water parks, go-kart tracks, and mini golf courses that, if they were located in (oh, let’s say) Yakima, Washington, would be treated like the eighth wonder of the modern world. Instead, they sit on an asphalt pad across the street from Baskin Robbins and “Fairvilla’s Sexy Things,” and get patronized by teenagers who are already irritated that their parents didn’t spring for park passes to cover every day of the trip.

When Missy and I first moved to Orlando, there was an abandoned building shaped like a skull, with a dilapidated sign out front that read “A Haunted Attraction,” Which would be a FANTASTIC name for a goth band.

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How to Assist a Coworker Who Is Stoned on Cold Medicine

When I was in college (Community college. That counts! Don’t be petty.) Some friends called me and said that I should come over because two of them were each going to drink an entire bottle of a specific over-the-counter cough syrup and “see what happened.”

What happened was that I learned that watching two guys lying around in a mumbling stupor wasn’t nearly as entertaining as I’d hoped.

They guys were okay, though I believe neither of them ever did that again, which says something for how enjoyable the experience was.

One of them is a schoolteacher now. There’s something to think about at your next parent-teacher conference.

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