How to Urge Someone to Seek Medical Attention

Once again, this comic is based on a real conversation I had with an adult. The person had hit their head, and had noticed that the part of their head that they’d hit felt flatter and softer than the rest of their head. They also told me that the spot hurt when they poked it. They poked it several times to demonstrate. When I suggested that they see a doctor, they told me I was being silly.

I wish I were making this up. I am not.

I also know someone who recently had a long series of treatments from an acupuncturist. I asked the two questions people always ask someone who has had acupuncture: did it help (with your ailment) and did it hurt (physically, when they stuck the needles in). They said that they felt better overall, but that while none of the other sessions had hurt, the last one hurt quite badly.

I can’t help but wonder if my friend said or did something that made the acupuncturist mad.

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How to Use the Various Shades and Styles of Sarcasm

Really, if there’s ever a time in your life that you shouldn’t need to make any effort to improve your appearance, it’s when you’re a baby. Humans are wired to find them adorable.

I know what you’re thinking: “What about ugly babies?”

Yes. There are ugly babies. But it’s not like that baby is getting passed over for promotions, or having trouble making friends. A baby doesn’t care about any of those things. The only impact being unattractive has on a baby’s life is fewer strange people invading their personal space, making kissy faces AT THEM. I doubt that the baby would see that as a problem.

Also, if a baby is ugly enough that it does impede their social interactions, I don’t think giving the baby earrings will help.

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How to Use Your Modest Internet Fame to Get What You Want

Yes, I did get sent a google Nexus One. It was a great phone, but I felt a little bit guilty every time I looked at it.

I didn’t get a Japanese toilet seat, but we did need to replace the toilets in our home a while back, and we upgraded to a Japanese model (The Toto Drake). It doesn’t have any of the heating or squirting accoutrements that one thinks of when they hear the phrase “Japanese toilet,” but we’ve had two of the things for well over a year, and we’ve not needed a plunger even once.

It’s got to be a problem for manufacturers of quality toilets that they make a product that it is socially unacceptable to recommend in most circumstances. Few dinner parties can withstand a hearty testimonial of how well your new toilet withstands the rigors of use by your family.

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How to Construct an Informative Presentation

More than one teacher has used this comic in their classroom. That’s the highest compliment I can think of, especially considering the joke in panel 3.

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How to Innovate

French friescream sounds like a terrible idea. I admit it. But you have to admit, a big order of fries with a milkshake on the side sounds like a great idea. I just took the logic a step further.

Note from Missy: It wasn’t until my teens that I learned that some people dip their French fries in their milkshakes. Not gonna lie, I was horrified. I’m not against soggying up a fry with ranch or tartar sauce or something, but the idea of hot fries plus cold milkshake makes my teeth hurt.

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How to Pose a Photo

This comic was inspired by the official portrait of Steve Jobs, in which he holds his hand in a way no human ever does unless they’re getting their official portrait taken.

I think it’s meant to look like he’s thinking deep thoughts, but to me it looks more like he’s deriving pleasure from tugging his own beard hairs. Or, it kind of looks like he’s smelling his own fist, and he recognizes the smell.

This is why I’ve always related more with Bill Gates. In every Picture of Bill Gates, especially the official pictures he posed for, he looks self-conscious and uncomfortable. I suspect he’s often self-conscious and uncomfortable in real life, so the pictures look more genuine. They look bad and awkward, but genuinely bad and awkward.

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How to Be the Life of the Party

I almost want to go to the trouble to learn to play the guitar just so that I can play Piano Man on it.

I know this will offend more than one reader who plays their acoustic guitar at parties, but I really do feel that doing so kills the party, or at least puts it on hold until they stop playing. Then again, my primary means of trying to be interesting at parties is by talking, and the guitar makes it hard to do that, so maybe it’s just that the guitarist and I are working at crossed purposes. If only there was a way to combine talking and guitar . . .

I wonder if there’s guitar tablature for One Night in Bangkok, or any of William Shatner’s spoken word pieces. What could be more entertaining at a party than a live acoustic recreation of Shatner’s rendition of Rocket Man?

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How to Act "Manly"

Nothing is less manly than worrying about whether what you’re doing is manly or not. Picture Clint Eastwood worrying about if what he’s doing is “manly.” I can’t. The man became famous wearing a poncho, and playing a character called “Blondie.” He didn’t worry about if it looked manly. He recognized that he made it look manly by being the one doing it.

John Wayne, on the other hand, did worry about looking manly. He once Gave Kirk Douglas a hard time about playing “effeminate weaklings.” To be fair, that might have been the mental fallout from growing up with the name Marion.

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How to Grow Up

Yeah, when my brothers and I started taking an interest in pop and rock music, our mother was deeply concerned about what kind of messages the music in question was sending to her impressionable young boys. I understand her concern, but I was primarily listening to Phil Collins. The main message of his work in the ’80s was that when the woman you love eventually dumps you, try your hardest to win her back, by groveling. Not a great message, but it’s pretty much the opposite bad message of the one she was worried about.

She, meanwhile, loved Johnny Paycheck, and played his music constantly around the house. Here are two of her favorites.

15 Beers – An uptempo number about binge drinking because your girlfriend dumped you for a wealthier man.

Billy Bardot – the stirring tale of a group of friends murdering a narcotics officer.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

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How to Assemble a Mighty Team of Superheroes

Here it is, the core of the team has assembled! Sure, we’re still missing Mr. Everywhere, and Stabby, but that’s like saying that the Super Friends aren’t really assembled because Robin and Gleek the space monkey aren’t present.

Although, again, I could make the argument that Mr. Everywhere is present, just out of frame, in every panel of the comic.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).