How to advise a Friend Who's Considering Proposing Marriage

I really did talk a guy out of proposing to his girlfriend though a complex scavenger hunt. My position was that if she wants to marry you, nothing you do leading up to the actual proposal will be more memorable than the moment you propose. If, on the other hand, she doesn’t want to marry you, you’ve made an already awkward moment more difficult for both of you, because of the effort you put in to planning it, and the fact that she had to figure out a scavenger hunt to get the opportunity to turn you down.

Also, the difficulty level would be an issue. If the scavenger hunt is too easy, the person you’re proposing to might find it insulting. If it’s too hard they may say no out of frustration. If they don’t solve it at all, you’ll have to lead into your proposal with a condescending explanation of the puzzle they couldn’t solve.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

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How to Correct Your Mistakes

I’ve written four collections of comics, and am working on my ninth (!!!!!) novel. I can tell you from experience that the editing is the hardest part, both in terms of difficulty and emotional impact. The fact that it takes a team of trained experts to create the illusion that I passed sixth-grade grammar is not lost on me.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to a Happy Person

I’ve had multiple friends of both genders who shared the affliction of being attracted primarily to people who are unreliable, disinterested, or dangerous. It often strikes me as odd that some evolutionary drive propels certain people to try to reproduce with people that they would never consider hiring as a babysitter. That seems to me to be one of evolutions ways of gently removing people from the gene pool.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Use Your Friends' Hobbies to Your Advantage

I was a runner at one time. I was up to three miles a day. It was when I was living deep in the farm country of Eastern Washington, during my brief stint in radio. I would run a mile and a half out then turn back, jogging past the fields of grapes and asparagus, and pretend not to notice the irritated glances of the field crews.

One day, when I was within sight of the mile and a half mark, I stepped in a hole and badly rolled my ankle. I tore loose all of the ligaments on the left side of my left ankle. I then got to limp the mile and a half back and pretend not to notice the open mockery and laughter of the field crews.

For some reason, I never went back to running.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Accept Creative Input from a Friend

And here’s the Knifeketeer, who I think might actually be my favorite character in all of basic Instructions.

For a brief time, Stan Lee had a reality show where people who wanted to be superheroes came up with their own superhero names and went through “training” to see which one would end up getting their own comic, and presumably, be beaten up by authentic petty criminals.

Anyway, one of the guys came up with a character who was a mercenary who used high powered automatic rifles to fight crime. Stan Lee made it clear that he didn’t like this idea, stating several times, “heroes don’t kill people.”

 It’s hard to argue with that sentiment, but if you look at Marvel Comics, you’ll find The Punisher, who literally uses high powered automatic rifles to fight crime, and Wolverine, arguably their most popular hero, whose primary offensive skill is to run people through with his claws. But, to be fair, we seldom see the aftermath of one of Wolverine’s acts of heroism. For all I know he might just be grievously wounding evildoers.

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How to Tell Someone That They Are Wrong

This comic is based directly—l mean word-for-word directly—on an actual moronic conversation I had with a friend. He really felt this way about the first Abrams Star Trek movie, for the reason listed here, and admitted to not liking Bond movies either. The guy is still a friend, and is actually proud of this conversation, which I think proves that some people are just born fundamentally wrong.

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How to Explain What "the Hell" You Are Doing

When you put yourself in the position of having to come up with a certain number of original jokes a week for several years, you are going to occasionally come up with an idea that is similar to an idea someone else had at some other point in time. This kind of accidental plagiarism is unavoidable. As such, I tend to try to keep an eye out for it when it happens, but I don’t tend to lose much sleep about it.

What does make me lose sleep is when I discover a bit of accidental plagiarism in my work, and find that it appeared earlier in a place that it’s very likely I would have seen it. For instance, the concept of a masking tape mummy came up on the show Phineas and Ferb, a show that I watched religiously for a while.

 Anyway, I have no conscious memory of noticing Phineas and Ferb’s masking tape mummy bit until after this comic ran, and I named my third book “Curse of the Masking Tape Mummy.” I remember seeing it after that all too well.

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How to Write a Superhero Story

Here he is, Omnipresent Man, in his first of what will technically be hundreds of comics, since he is, in theory, present, just out of frame, in every panel of every Basic Instructions I ever made after this point.

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How to Kill Off a Fictional Character

In this comic, I introduced a new character, didn’t quite give him enough attention to make him seem really important, then killed him. Fans of the TV series LOST will recognize this as a classic Nikki and Paulo Maneuver.

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How to Show Some Class

This one was inspired by a trip to McDonald’s, where I saw little plastic pouches marked “Fancy Ketchup.” Good to know they weren’t putting any ol’ low-quality tomato pulp in plastic packets and serving it to their patrons, like Burger King would.

On a semi-related note: a long, long time ago I worked at a Skippers (a chain of fried seafood restaurants that used to be everywhere in the western United States, but now seems to be down to 14 locations). The manager would occasionally bus tables himself when it was busy (which was good). If, on the table, he found paper sugar or salt packets that were soaked with water, coffee, pop, or any other unidentified fluid, he would lay them out on a table in the back room to dry out so he could put them out for other customers to use (which was bad).

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).