How to Face Your Fear

I don’t trust birds. I think it has to do with the fact that we raised peacocks when I was a child. They were not pleasant.

Later, when I lived in Seattle, all I ever saw were seagulls in the distance and pigeons on the sidewalk. Over time, my mistrust of birds receded into the background.

Then we moved to Florida. There are birds there that are brave enough to walk up to you when you’re sitting down outdoors, like at a café, or in a parked car, and tall enough to look you in the eye when they do it. The first time I was confronted by one of them, my peacock-driven mistrust came roaring back. Then I attended a wildlife show where live birds of prey flew inches over the heads of the audience.

The next day, I wrote this comic.

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How to Have a Horrifying Conversation

This comic is based directly on a real conversation. A person I know talked about how his father never beat him, but did teach him right from wrong, using the improvised device mullet boss describes here. The person talking even referred to it as a homemade cat-o-nine-tails. I tried to point out the absurdity of the situation to him at the time. My father never beat me, just flogged me with an implement he made himself, like “Wonderboy” from The Natural. He was incapable of seeing it, and looked at me as if I was talking crazy.

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How to Come Up with The Perfect joke

This one makes me a bit uncomfortable in retrospect. I paint Mullet Boss’s interest as abhorrent, but still . . . uncomfortable.

As I get older I find that certain types of humor no longer work coming from me, not because society’s attitudes toward the subject have changed, but because society’s attitudes about me have changed.

When this joke was written, it was about a man in his early 30s talking about being uncomfortable in the presence of attractive high schoolers. That’s creepy, but it’s relatably creepy. Now I’m in my 40s, and it’s much, much creepier, even to me.

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How to Express Condolences

“ROFG”: The best four letters I ever wrote.

I not only remember exactly where I was when I came up with ROFG, I remember telling the idea to Missy when she got home from work. It was one of the best laughs I’ve ever gotten out of her.

Note from Missy: I seem to recall that when that cat passed away, and we let people know, we got more than one ROFG in response. It was oddly comforting. (And it’s hard to remember the cat being that hugely fat, because he got very thin by the end. Mew.)

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How to Modify a Pet's Behavior

Life! Is funny. The cat in this comic passed away of old age years ago. We got a new cat, and as I write this, that very cat is mewing incessantly.

The cat is quiet for the most part, but every now and then she just picks up this little foam-rubber ball in her mouth and walks around with it, making sad little mew-sounds around the ball in her mouth. I’ve tried taking the ball and throwing it for her, but all she does is look up at me like I’m a monster and wait for me to bring her ball back.

Note from Missy: I call the cat “Ballmouth” when she does this. For some reason, Scott doesn’t like it.

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How to Choose a Gift for Someone You Don't Know Well

I remember where I was when I thought of this comic. Funny how memory works. Of course, it was shortly after the first time I saw a stall at Walt Disney World selling toy bullwhips. That makes the whole thing a bit more memorable.

As a longtime Indiana Jones fan who remembers what it was like to be a kid, I was delighted and envious. As an adult, and (at the time) a Walt Disney World cast member who was charged with helping maintain order, and often found himself having to deal with cranky kids who were Indiana Jones fans, I was less enthusiastic.

Note from Missy: the nephew in question will be old enough to drive a car next year. Hopefully, he won’t do it in the Batman mask and gloves.

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How to Suppress the Urge to Kill

I don’t actually admire Emperor Palpatine. He was just the first example I could think of of someone easily recognizable who was famous for urging others to kill.

Anyway, to counterbalance the unwholesome message of the third panel, I offer you this, the wisest thing Captain Kirk ever said about human nature.

Note from Missy: Huh! I thought for sure this speech was given to the dudes who had faces painted half-white and half-black, who were racist against the dudes who also had half-white and half-black faces, but the white and black sides were flipped. Some Trekkie I am.

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How to Apply the Laws of Physics to Personal Relationships: Vol. 3 Nuclear Reactions and Arguments

In my old stand-up act, I was the butt of many of my own jokes. The whole point of those jokes was that everyone, me included, knew that what I was saying was stupid.

For example:

“I believe that childbirth is the most painful thing anybody ever does voluntarily. Ladies, I give you that one. That said, you do have to admit, we men are taking your word for it. No man has ever had a kid, came back to the rest of us, and said, They’re telling the truth! That’s why I say we men should band together and tell women that it hurts to pee standing up.”

Problem was, if the audience thought I was just an idiot (which happened more than once), they’d assume I meant what I was saying, and they would “register their displeasure.”  Often, the shouting would begin before the punchline. One time just hearing a male say anything about childbirth set a woman in the audience off, causing her to end up publicly arguing against my stated position that childbirth is painful.

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How to Accept a Compliment That's Directed at Someone Else

Panel one features yet another friend who only appeared once or twice because I was displeased with the quality of my drawing. She actually requested to be in the comic, so I grabbed a camera, then asked her to do the usual set of poses new I needed for the comic.

“You’re talking to someone.”

Click.

“Good, now you’re confused by what they’re saying.”

Click.

“Great. Now you’re angry at them.”

Click.

“That’s all I need.”

In her case, we got two poses in, and she said, “I feel stupid doing this.”

My response, “Hey, you volunteered,” did not make her feel less stupid. I did get a pretty natural looking anger pose though.

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How to Maintain a Good Mood

One interesting thing about being a morning person is that enjoying mornings makes the other people around me enjoy their mornings even less. As the people around me get grumpier and grumpier, it tends to put a damper on my good mood, which acts as sort of a natural braking mechanism, stopping the vicious cycle before someone tries to strangle me.

Another interesting thing I can tell you is that in the first panel my left hand appears to have been replaced by some sort of trilobite.

Note from Missy: I don’t have much recollection of these old strips, so for the most part I’m reading them again for the first time. And for some reason, me in that second panel running the same checklist and announcing it made me laugh until tears squirted out my eyes.