How to Find an Innovative Solution to a Seemingly Intractable Problem
Four panels of me arguing with a wealthy man who has terrible hair and questionable theories about global climate change. It was funnier to me eight years ago, for some reason.
How to Get Vindication
For years, YEARS, I told that story, and I got called a liar more times than I can count. I always wondered, why would I want to make a story like that up? Did they think having seen this ridiculous, disgusting spectacle somehow made me feel like a big man?
“You think you’re cool, with your sports car and your successful career? Well wait until you hear my tale of gore, degradation, and animal husbandry! Then we’ll know who’s cool!”
Anyway, I’ll include a link to the relevant clip of Dirty Jobs, but I don’t recommend that you watch it.
https://youtu.be/klWeg2VDNPE?t=23
How to Analyze a Song
Since his death, I’ve sort of discovered David Bowie. See, by the time I started paying attention to music that my parents didn’t like (that is anything but Waylon Jennings or polkas), Bowie was in his “Dancing in the Streets” phase, which did not make me want to dig into his back catalog.
Shortly after he died I watched The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and spent two weeks driving Missy crazy humming “Life on Mars.” That song really strikes a chord for me. It is, after all, the freakiest show.
Note from Missy: Dang, now I want to watch Labyrinth. For the 50th time.
How to Make It Clear That You're Joking
This is one of those comics where I know that my intention was that three loafish full-grown men talking about ponies and boys was funny, but looking at it now, I can see where this comic might be construed as homophobic. I figured that in this case it would be more productive to admit to it and make my position clear than to just sweep it under the rug.
I will say this, though: Tiger Beat is an inherently funny name for a magazine. It doesn’t matter that it’s about teen idols. You could rename the Journal of the American Medical Association Tiger Beat and it would be just as funny, if not funnier.
Note from Missy: Huh, I didn’t see the possible homophobia angle on this either. Likely because I equate ponies and boys with 12-year-old girls. It feels the same as when I, a middle-aged woman, joke about being a 12-year-old boy because I giggled at a fart joke. (Changing topic: I seem to recall that Tiger Beat had some of the best pull-out posters of dreamy ’80s dudes. Way better than Sassy or 16. Though in hindsight, those magazines all learned their centerfold game from Playboy and Penthouse, which feels disturbing in its own way.)
How to Better Yourself
I LOVED the original Japanese Iron Chef. This comic commemorates one of my favorite things that ever happened on the show. They claimed that the Chairman was boycotting the show because his Iron Chefs had lost several matches in a row, but I’ve always assumed that he looked at the special ingredient and refused to have anything to do with it. Anyway, they made poor Hattori-San . . . well, see for yourself.
https://youtu.be/fyfvs-7ljIQ?t=2m49s
My favorite part is how the guy doing the translation sounds embarrassed to be saying what he’s being made to say.
Note from Missy: Around the House of Meyer, we will still occasionally say the word “piglets” in just that sad tone of voice. Also, OMG, how did I forget about “I had my Eustachian tubes tied, now I can’t hear kids”? LOL, Scott Meyer. LOL.
How to Keep Your Job in Perspective
Being a rodeo clown might not be the worst job in the world, but it’s close enough that most people see it as such. It’s dangerous. You have to wear a humiliating costume. Your workplace smells terrible. Some guy in tight jeans makes a huge animal mad, then you protect him from said angry animal. Go through all of that and at the end of the day, you watch the guy who made an animal mad for the longest get a trophy.
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How to Deal with Something You Dread
Phil Collins once told a story that I think about often. He had read an interview with Roger Waters (formerly of Pink Floyd) in which Waters said something less-than-complimentary about Genesis. Phil called him and asked what the big idea was.
Waters said, “I’m sorry. That comment was supposed to be off the record.”
Phil pointed out that that didn’t really do anything to minimize the insult.
I don’t know why I like that story so much, other than that I find it comforting that these super-successful rock stars still behave just like the rest of us.
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How to Advertise Windows Vista
I upgraded to Windows Vista immediately after it became available, and kept it until Windows 7 came out. Sure, it had a few quirks that were weird to get used to, but the only real complaint I ever had about it was that I got sick of constantly being told by people who hadn’t used it how bad it was.
This strip was made during what I like to think of as the golden age of Hodgman, back when John Hodgman was playing the PC in the Get a Mac ads, and writing books and doing interviews in his guise as the world’s foremost expert in the field of “complete world knowledge.” If you’ve never read his first book, The Areas of My Expertise, I strongly recommend it.
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How to Correct a Coworker's Behavior
A long time ago, I worked at a Blockbuster Video. One day, the manager told me to break down some boxes. After the manager left the room, a coworker said to me, “You know why he tells you to do stuff like that? Because you’ll do it.”
At the time, I thought, That’s why I’ll have this job longer than you will.
Of course, it was a job at Blockbuster Video. The chain no longer exists. And even if it did, I wouldn’t want to still be in that job. Maybe I’d have worked my way up to managing the store, but that didn’t look like a very good job either.
I think I had a point when I started writing this. It might have been that I had a terrible job, which required me to do boring and unpleasant things, but that by doing it well I at least was able to stave off the ignominy of being fired from it.
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How to Defeat a Lie Detector
It has been proven time and again that the polygraph doesn’t work.
That said, they are kinda brilliant.
Think about it. If you’re being subjected to a lie detector test, it means that the person using it on you believes it will work. Telling them that it’s an unreliable pseudoscience is exactly what they’d expect a liar to say, so you can’t say it without making yourself look dishonest. Saying nothing about the lie detector’s uselessness, on the other hand, implies that you believe it might work, which just lends credence to its eventual result.
After the test, if it says you were lying, saying that the test proves nothing just makes you look even more guilty. If, on the other hand, the test says you were telling the truth, you’re not going to tell them it’s wrong, so false findings of honesty never get contradicted.
The polygraph doesn’t work, but the logical conundrum that keeps it in use works all too well!
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