How to Select a T-Shirt

This is one of the few comics that where I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I came up with the idea. As with many comics, the idea for the third panel came to me first. It is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.

While making custom Infini-Tees for people didn’t work out, I am proud of the fact that I gave it a shot, and seeing my shirts on Wil Wheaton and Adam Savage was a big thrill.

And before you ask, no, I’m not making them anymore. As I said a few commentaries ago, it was just too challenging making acceptable likenesses of people I’d never met. The problem was even worse on the Infini-Tees, because the image was repeated six times at different scales.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Apologize When You're Not Sure What You Did Wrong

I’m not going to get into a lot of detail here, because I don’t have to, but we’ve all seen an example or two of the classic, “I’m sorry people’s feelings were hurt” apology recently. It’s a gambit that works beautifully, as long as the person you’re apologizing to isn’t listening, or thinking much about what they hear. If they do listen, or apply even a little bit of critical thought to what you say they’ll realize that you might as well have told them that you’re sorry they caught you.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Take a Nap

I tried using an eyeshade for naps during the day. I couldn’t sleep with it on. It turns out I don’t find being blindfolded relaxing.

I once worked with a comedian who said he couldn’t sleep in a hotel unless he had all of the lights on and the TV blaring full blast. I can only assume that he slept better knowing that other people couldn’t sleep at all.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to a New Parent

Yet another character who only appeared once or twice because I was never happy with the quality of my artwork. That’s a big part of the reason I discontinued doing custom portrait shirts and social-media profile images for people. My quality was so hit and miss, and it was always just painfully awkward when it didn’t work out.

“Thank you for your support. Here’s your drawing.”

“I look like a monster.”

“Yes. That is true.”

“I’d like a refund.”

“Really? I mean, I understand that you feel insulted by my drawing, but I don’t know that a full refund is fair. I mean, I did put a lot of work into crafting that insulting drawing of you. Look at the gaps between your teeth. That’s a lot of fine detail work!”

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Prevent Any Progress (The American Method)

The one thing most Americans can agree on is that a large portion of the population seems to be trying to destroy the country. We just can’t agree on which portion it is.

In engineering, there’s a principle that having structural elements work in direct opposition to one another can lead to a stronger overall structure. Buckminster Fuller used to name his projects with the name Dymaxion, which was made up from parts of the words dynamic, maximum, and tension. I don’t know if anyone has formally applied this principle to politics, but I can attest that this presidential election has been quite dynamic, and, for me, has caused maximum tension.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Make Yourself Spooky

I’m telling you, the only difference between most people’s “spooky ghost voice” and their “Jolly Santa voice” is saying “oooooh” instead of “ho ho ho.” It’s just moaning versus laughing.

No costume in history is scarier than Sean Connery’s costume from ZARDOZ! Seeing someone wear it is scary. The idea of attending a party with someone who is wearing it is scary. The idea of wearing it yourself is terrifying. Think about it, what’s scarier, a ghost, or a ghost wearing the ZARDOZ costume? A serial killer, or a serial killer wearing the ZARDOZ costume?

If I’m being chased by zombies, I’m gonna run a little faster if those zombies are wearing the ZARDOZ costume.

It’s not just that the costume is revealing. It’s that it’s revealing, and bright orange, and involves gun belts, a pony tail, and a big ‘70s moustache. The whole package just speaks of a person whose judgment is so suspect that they are capable pf anything.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Say Goodbye

I once worked for a large company where one could transfer to a different part of the company, and there was a means of transferring back within thirty days if the new position didn’t work out. I found that the coworkers who I was sad to see go seldom came back, while the ones I was happy to see leave were far more likely to return.

For a long time, I thought that this was just bad luck, but then I realized that it’s more likely that if I was sad to see someone go, the place they transferred to probably made an effort to keep them. That thought occurred to me shortly after telling someone who had just transferred into my area, “You know, if you’re not happy with how much work you’re being asked to do, you could transfer back where you came from. There’s no shame in it. In fact, it’s kind of the brave move.”

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to Someone who Speaks a Foreign Language

When this comic first ran I got an angry letter chastising me for making fun of someone just because they don’t speak English. This person read this comic, and their takeaway was: “The cartoonist thinks people who don’t speak English are dumb.”

That was, of course, not my intention. I thought (and still think) that it’s pretty obvious that I’m the butt of the joke here. In fact, looking at the last panel, it makes me wonder if the person who complained could read English.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to Someone Who Is Depressed

It may just be me, but if you definitely don’t want me to cheer up, the best way to ensure that I won’t cheer up anytime soon is to tell me to cheer up.

It’s kind of an amazing piece of advice to give someone: “cheer up.” It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to hurt less. It does nothing to solve the underlying problem. It just suggests that the person experiencing the problem is wrong for exhibiting a symptom.

I’ve always been a depressive person. One time, in high school, a girl told me, “Smile! You always look like you’re dying! That’s why you don’t have any friends!”

I asked her, “Was telling me that supposed to cheer me up?”

She didn’t see the humor in it. Oddly, having a private laugh at her expense did cheer me up a bit.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Keep a Secret

I have never regretted shaving my head. I’ve regretted the fact that it was necessary, but I’ve never regretted doing it once it became necessary. If you’re a man, and you’re bald or going bald, I highly suggest shaving it or at least cutting what hair you have super short. Own your baldness. Attempting to hide it only advertises the fact that you’re embarrassed.

Think about it this way, if you chose to just shave it and get on with your life you’ll be following in the footsteps of: Yul Brynner, Telly Savalas, Ed Harris, Bruce Willis, Patrick Stewart, Vin Diesel, Dave Bautista, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Not bad company, from a raw masculinity point of view.

If you go the wigs, surgeries, and comb over route, I’m not going to name the people you’re emulating, but the fact that I don’t have to should tell you exactly how effective those methods are.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).