How to Make Yourself Spooky

I’m telling you, the only difference between most people’s “spooky ghost voice” and their “Jolly Santa voice” is saying “oooooh” instead of “ho ho ho.” It’s just moaning versus laughing.

No costume in history is scarier than Sean Connery’s costume from ZARDOZ! Seeing someone wear it is scary. The idea of attending a party with someone who is wearing it is scary. The idea of wearing it yourself is terrifying. Think about it, what’s scarier, a ghost, or a ghost wearing the ZARDOZ costume? A serial killer, or a serial killer wearing the ZARDOZ costume?

If I’m being chased by zombies, I’m gonna run a little faster if those zombies are wearing the ZARDOZ costume.

It’s not just that the costume is revealing. It’s that it’s revealing, and bright orange, and involves gun belts, a pony tail, and a big ‘70s moustache. The whole package just speaks of a person whose judgment is so suspect that they are capable pf anything.

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How to Say Goodbye

I once worked for a large company where one could transfer to a different part of the company, and there was a means of transferring back within thirty days if the new position didn’t work out. I found that the coworkers who I was sad to see go seldom came back, while the ones I was happy to see leave were far more likely to return.

For a long time, I thought that this was just bad luck, but then I realized that it’s more likely that if I was sad to see someone go, the place they transferred to probably made an effort to keep them. That thought occurred to me shortly after telling someone who had just transferred into my area, “You know, if you’re not happy with how much work you’re being asked to do, you could transfer back where you came from. There’s no shame in it. In fact, it’s kind of the brave move.”

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How to Talk to Someone who Speaks a Foreign Language

When this comic first ran I got an angry letter chastising me for making fun of someone just because they don’t speak English. This person read this comic, and their takeaway was: “The cartoonist thinks people who don’t speak English are dumb.”

That was, of course, not my intention. I thought (and still think) that it’s pretty obvious that I’m the butt of the joke here. In fact, looking at the last panel, it makes me wonder if the person who complained could read English.

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How to Talk to Someone Who Is Depressed

It may just be me, but if you definitely don’t want me to cheer up, the best way to ensure that I won’t cheer up anytime soon is to tell me to cheer up.

It’s kind of an amazing piece of advice to give someone: “cheer up.” It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to hurt less. It does nothing to solve the underlying problem. It just suggests that the person experiencing the problem is wrong for exhibiting a symptom.

I’ve always been a depressive person. One time, in high school, a girl told me, “Smile! You always look like you’re dying! That’s why you don’t have any friends!”

I asked her, “Was telling me that supposed to cheer me up?”

She didn’t see the humor in it. Oddly, having a private laugh at her expense did cheer me up a bit.

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How to Keep a Secret

I have never regretted shaving my head. I’ve regretted the fact that it was necessary, but I’ve never regretted doing it once it became necessary. If you’re a man, and you’re bald or going bald, I highly suggest shaving it or at least cutting what hair you have super short. Own your baldness. Attempting to hide it only advertises the fact that you’re embarrassed.

Think about it this way, if you chose to just shave it and get on with your life you’ll be following in the footsteps of: Yul Brynner, Telly Savalas, Ed Harris, Bruce Willis, Patrick Stewart, Vin Diesel, Dave Bautista, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Not bad company, from a raw masculinity point of view.

If you go the wigs, surgeries, and comb over route, I’m not going to name the people you’re emulating, but the fact that I don’t have to should tell you exactly how effective those methods are.

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How to Discuss Popular Music

Seriously, put on “Stayin’ Alive,” or any other Bee Gees song, and try, TRY to tell me that they don’t sound like they’re slowly lowering themselves into a too-hot bath.

Note from Missy: I’m gonna share a little Meyer family weirdness. “Jive Talkin’” is a popular song in our house, in that we replace many words or phrases with it. “What’s for dinner?” … “Gonna make some beeee-ee-eef tacos, wubba wub wub wub wub!”

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How to Retain Information

In a way, bad spelling makes any code phrase that much harder to crack. Imagine how hard it would have been to break the enigma code in WW2 if, on top of the cutting edge encryption technology, the Nazis had been bad spellers.

“The computer says that the message says “Sync teh Amiracan destoyer.”

“Hmm. Guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

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How to Create an Analogy

I’ve tried to come up with an ending for the French fry analogy, but the best I’ve come up with is “Hunger is like a French fry. If you eat, you won’t have it anymore,” which doesn’t really work.

Note from Missy: I don’t know how it started, but poking really is my go-to move. BOOP!

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How to Find a Job that Suits Your Interests

I hate running. I use a rowing machine several times a week, and used to use an elliptical. Way back in the mists of time I put quite a few miles on a stair stepper, but put me on a treadmill and I tap out after 5 minutes.

I think it’s because all of the machines I do use have a certain element of being like a ride. On an elliptical you’re up in the air, swinging around. On a rowing machine you’re sliding back and forth. On a treadmill there’s no disguising that you’re working hard to literally go nowhere.

I did take up jogging once, way back when I lived in farm country. Nothing puts you off a sport like limping back home after rolling your ankle while having the asparagus crews openly mock you.

Note from Missy: Rick-shaw. Heh.

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How to Suck Down

Mullet Boss is a terrible boss, and Angry Customer is a terrible customer, but in fairness, Comic Scott is a terrible employee. It’d be interesting to know who was awful first, but to show them all meeting I’d have to do a Basic Instructions prequel, or maybe Basic Instructions Babies, and that ain’t happening.

I never noticed it before, but in a way these three characters form a sort of rock-paper-scissors. When any two of them are together, there’s a clear winner, but between the three there’s a stalemate. Mullet Boss threatens to fire Comic Scott. Comic Scott refuses to do what Angry Client wants. Angry Client threatens to stop bringing Mullet Boss his business.

Sometimes, these things I think up are a little too close to the way real life works.

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