How to Tell Your Spouse About Your Day

Amongst my most cherished memories of my career as a stand-up comic was the time I was working with a comedy juggler, and the stage turned out to have a 6’5” ceiling. A tall man would have had to duck. I could stand upright, but couldn’t put my hands above my head. The juggler had to do his entire show barely throwing the balls into the air at all, meaning that his act was much more difficult than usual and much, much less impressive to watch. Good times.

There was another enjoyable evening when I worked with a magician who forgot to load his jacket with all of his props. His entire act that night consisted of him introducing a trick, patting his pockets, apologizing for not being able to do the trick, then moving on to the next trick, which he could not do. The only problem was that I had to follow him, and there was no nothing I could say that would be funnier than what he’d done.

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How to Tell Your Spouse About Your Day

Amongst my most cherished memories of my career as a stand-up comic was the time I was working with a comedy juggler, and the stage turned out to have a 6’5” ceiling. A tall man would have had to duck. I could stand upright, but couldn’t put my hands above my head. The juggler had to do his entire show barely throwing the balls into the air at all, meaning that his act was much more difficult than usual and much, much less impressive to watch. Good times.

There was another enjoyable evening when I worked with a magician who forgot to load his jacket with all of his props. His entire act that night consisted of him introducing a trick, patting his pockets, apologizing for not being able to do the trick, then moving on to the next trick, which he could not do. The only problem was that I had to follow him, and there was no nothing I could say that would be funnier than what he’d done.

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Seem Smart

It has been suggested that Missy and I could easily create an effective Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker costume simply by shaving my beard, dyeing her hair red, and putting on lab coats.

I‘m still quite proud of the line “Heat, pressure, and time. The three things that make a diamond, also make a waffle.” It is absolutely true, mind-bogglingly profound, and totally meaningless.

Note from Missy: Meep.

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How to Seem Smart

It has been suggested that Missy and I could easily create an effective Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker costume simply by shaving my beard, dyeing her hair red, and putting on lab coats.

I‘m still quite proud of the line “Heat, pressure, and time. The three things that make a diamond, also make a waffle.” It is absolutely true, mind-bogglingly profound, and totally meaningless.

Note from Missy: Meep.

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Deal with a Rash

This was written shortly after we moved to Florida, when I broke out in a terrible rash. I won’t get into the details of the rash, but it was not fun.

At first I was worried that I might be allergic to something in the environment which would make life in Florida unbearable for me. Then I went to the first doctor I ever visited in Florida. His examination room was furnished with folding chairs, and he spent most of the appointment telling me about how his mother had fallen in with a con artist who was cheating the doctor of his inheritance. He assured me that the rash was not an allergic reaction, but I still walked away concerned that life in Florida would be unbearable for me.

Note from Missy: And now that we don’t live in Florida anymore, we can say with confidence that it was only … partially unbearable.

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How to Deal with a Rash

This was written shortly after we moved to Florida, when I broke out in a terrible rash. I won’t get into the details of the rash, but it was not fun.

At first I was worried that I might be allergic to something in the environment which would make life in Florida unbearable for me. Then I went to the first doctor I ever visited in Florida. His examination room was furnished with folding chairs, and he spent most of the appointment telling me about how his mother had fallen in with a con artist who was cheating the doctor of his inheritance. He assured me that the rash was not an allergic reaction, but I still walked away concerned that life in Florida would be unbearable for me.

Note from Missy: And now that we don’t live in Florida anymore, we can say with confidence that it was only … partially unbearable.

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Quit Drinking Caffeine

I’m off caffeine now. I miss it every day.

I had quit more than once before, but there’d always be a day when I was asleep on my feet, and I’d have a Dr Pepper “for medicinal purposes.” That would be the start of a full-on caffeine bender that ended with me coming home from Costco with a case of pop and two pounds of coffee beans.

This is why I’ve never tried any illegal drugs. My experience with the legal ones has not set a good precedent.

Note from Missy: Now he gets a three-pound bag of decaffeinated coffee beans at Costco. Health food!

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Quit Drinking Caffeine

I’m off caffeine now. I miss it every day.

I had quit more than once before, but there’d always be a day when I was asleep on my feet, and I’d have a Dr Pepper “for medicinal purposes.” That would be the start of a full-on caffeine bender that ended with me coming home from Costco with a case of pop and two pounds of coffee beans.

This is why I’ve never tried any illegal drugs. My experience with the legal ones has not set a good precedent.

Note from Missy: Now he gets a three-pound bag of decaffeinated coffee beans at Costco. Health food!

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Remember the Name of That Song ... You know, That One

The song referenced in the third panel is Making Love Out of Nothing at All, by Air Supply. They used to play live shows at EPCOT every year, might still for all I know. We never went to one of their shows deliberately, but we did walk past one once. It was incongruous and deeply unsettling to hear a professional concert sound system blasting All Out of Love at top volume.

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Remember the Name of That Song ... You know, That One

The song referenced in the third panel is Making Love Out of Nothing at All, by Air Supply. They used to play live shows at EPCOT every year, might still for all I know. We never went to one of their shows deliberately, but we did walk past one once. It was incongruous and deeply unsettling to hear a professional concert sound system blasting All Out of Love at top volume.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).