How to See the Positive Aspects of Getting Older
I have only ever been treated by one chiropractor. His name was Glen. Not Dr. Glen something, or even Dr. Glen. Just Glen.
My mother met Glen god-knows-where and he offered a package deal to “adjust” her and her three boys for one low price.
Glen saw patients in his home, and in his street clothes. From my point of view as a 6th grader, this particular therapeutic intervention seemed like our mom took us to a house we’d never been to so some guy in a plaid shirt and jeans could twist us until our spines popped.
I swear to you, he spent most of the time grumbling about how unfair it was that his license to practice had been taken away.
So yeah, I have trust issues with chiropractors.
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How to Argue with Your Spouse
It will be interesting to see what the cruise industry looks like a year from now. Between stand-up comedy and my time with Disney I know more than one person for whom the cruise line shutdowns are a serious financial hardship.
In theory, cruises are a great idea. A giant luxury resort that moves from place to place while you sleep, allowing you to see interesting, exotic places.
In practice, I find the “resort” amenity people use most is the buffet, and the unique ports of call are slowly being taken over by the kinds of businesses that do well with cruise ship passengers. So, it can feel more like a giant Golden Corral that travels between interesting, exotic jewelry stores and fridge magnet outlets.
I genuinely hope the industry survives. We just need to make sure that the employees are paid a worthwhile wage and that blatant pollution isn’t built into the system.
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How to Talk to a Depressed Friend
This is my second mention of the Hulk in as many comics. Clearly I had Hulk on the brain. Maybe I had just seen the Edward Norton movie (It’s possible. I didn’t see it in the theaters.)
I also have this theory that Popeye didn’t like spinach. I believe that he was a Hulk, and that eating canned spinach was the fastest way to make himself angry.
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How to Discuss Your Weird Ideas
Of course, sitting here right now, I can think of several other parts of the body named for their shapes. There are tiny bones in our ears called the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. There’s also the armpit, the arch of the foot, The ball of the foot, and, well, remove the word “foot” from that last one and make it plural.
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How to Deal with the Customer Service Hotline
TiVo is a prime example of a company that created a transformative technology only to watch it get copied and have those copies transform an entire industry while they went out of business.
We had a TiVo, and much preferred it to any DVR any cable company offered. But then the cable companies changed to a transmission technology TiVo couldn’t support out of the box. Legally, the cable companies had to make an adapter available. They didn’t have to make the adapter easily to use, inexpensive, or reliable.
We called the cable company’s tech support many times over problems with that adaptor box, and their response was always some version of “Yeah, they do that. The best way to fix it is to rent one of our DVRs instead!”
There’s a reason that if you go to TiVo’s website, you’ll see they concentrate on streaming and over-the-air broadcasts these days.
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How to Expand Your Horizons
Missy and I took a gun safety course when we lived in Florida, because we lived in Florida.
They started us off with a trainer where you fired a fake gun at a big projection screen showing actors jump out from behind things menacingly. Going out for that gig must be an unpleasant conversation with your agent.
“We have a client who’s looking for performers with a certain ineffable something; an inherent shootability. Someone audiences take one look at and immediately want to kill. I think you’re perfect for it!”
Note from Missy: I remember that the instructors humored me when I wanted to try shooting the fake gun sideways just to see if it worked like in the movies, and were not particularly pleased that I was able to hit the target.
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