How to Reassure Someone

I understand why the police use red light cameras. And I understand why people don’t like them

Police use red light cameras because they generate revenue through fines. They don’t use them because they’re a deterrent. They aren’t. I don’t believe most people deliberately run red lights, and if the few who do aren’t deterred by the risk to their lives, the threat of being photographed dying won’t impress them much.

Citizens, on the other hand, don’t like red light cameras because they don’t want to be fined. They complain that the cameras are an invasion of their privacy. I don’t buy that because I grew up in a small town, and as such I understand that privacy is a myth. Also, if you want to keep something you’re doing private, you probably won’t do it while driving through an intersection.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Support Someone's Decision

When I was a kid–this would be in the very late ’70s or very early ’80s (because I am astonishingly old)–I had a toy that I loved. It looked like model of an airplane hangar, except there was an orange handle and a big orange button on the back of the building. When I raised the handle the two doors that formed the roof of the hangar would hinge open and a missile launcher holding a paper glider would rise up like something out of Thunderbirds, or a James Bond movie. Hitting the button would blow a puff of air into the launcher, firing the glider across the room.

Why am I bringing this up? Because I can’t remember what this toy was called, and I can find no evidence that it ever existed on the internet. I’m beginning to think I imagined it. Does this sound familiar to any of my fellow gen-Xers?

I wish I could honestly say that I haven’t lost sleep over this.

NOTE: Two readers, Paul Hauser and Michael Becnel, have written in to let me know that they toy in question was a Mattel product called “Wings Away.” I am grateful to the point of it becoming embarrasing.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Attract the Right Kind of Interest

This strip contains an inaccuracy. Humans did try to kill Alf. They wrote a season finale cliffhanger where Alf was captured by government agents who meant to dissect him, planning to make Alf fans wait all summer to see how he escaped.

Unfortunately, the series got canceled over the summer. So a show meant for families with small children ended with the title character fleeing for his life only to be captured by military personnel intent on killing him.

They later made a TV movie that explained how he got away and gave him and the family a happy ending. I kinda wish they hadn’t, but then again, I wasn’t one of the children traumatized by the original ending.

Note from Missy: Panel 3 made me remember the ’80s film Earth Girls Are Easy. Now I feel a horrible urge to watch it and see all of the ways where it doesn’t hold up today.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Let a Conversation "Flow"

My dad has always had a shed and for many years had a van.

The shed was always full of grimy bolts, rusted bits of metal he thought would be handy, and tools which were both grimy and rusted. He is a tinkerer by nature, and his shed was absolutely vital to his lifestyle, so much so that when he moved into a houseboat he put the shed on some old logs as floats and tied it to the dock. Making the shed amphibious did nothing to help the grime and rust situation.

His van was a phone company surplus model with a weird rack that wasn’t good for anything but telecommunications equipment bolted to the roof. The cargo area behind the two front seats was completely empty. The walls were 1-ply steel with exposed structural ribs and the “upholstery: was a thin rubber mat glued to the floor. When he’d have the three of us boys for the weekend he’d make the back more comfortable by duct taping two lawn chairs together for us to use as a second row of seats.

Note: I said he made the back more comfortable, not more safe.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Alter Someone's Perspective

Or maybe Rick would be less depressed if his best friend was a little more supportive. Just an idea.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Give Performance Notes

When I was young, I wasn’t great at taking notes. I don’t mean writing down stuff my teachers said (though I wasn’t good at that either). I mean receiving critical feedback on my work.

When someone would try to give me advice for how to do something better my natural reaction was first to ask who they thought they were. Then I’d ask if they even bothered to look at my work before they expressed their ill-thought-out, nonsensical opinion. After that, I’d tell them that if they thought they could do better I’d like to see them try. When the conversation was over I’d go off, sulk, think about what they said, and usually conclude that they had a valid point.

I’m much better at taking notes now. My process is mostly the same, except I’ve learned to speed through the steps as quickly as possible and not to say anything until I reach the “they had a point” phase.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Re-Explain Details in a Long-Running Narrative

The name Knifeketeer is, of course, a play on the term Musketeer, which was a person who fought his enemy with muskets.

There were also Grenadiers, who fought their enemies with grenades.

I could have named him the Knifier, but to me that seems similar to a sommelier, a person who, rather than fighting his or her enemies with wine, simply knows everything about wine and shares that knowledge with anyone within earshot.

Actually, The Knifier would make a good enemy for the Knifeketeer. The Knifeketeer would attack the Knifier with a knife, and the Knifier would criticize his blade choice.

“A bowie knife? In September? Don’t you think an imported Japanese tanto would be more appropriate?”

The Knifeketeer would HATE that.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Share Your Personal Philosophy

I tried to read the Tibetan Book of the Dead once, a long time ago. I couldn’t get into it. In a sense, I started putting it down the instant I picked it up.

I remember being disappointed that it didn’t seem anything like the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis from the Evil Dead movies.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Argue with Someone's Opinion

I don’t buy into the idea that special effects were better before computers. I will say this: special effects were more interesting before computers. It used to be that a documentary about how they did the effects for a movie would involve cool models, explosions, and robotic monsters. These days it’s mostly people sitting at computers looking at wireframes and actors wearing unitards studded with ping pong balls.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Create a Memorable Advertising Campaign

There are certain products that tell the whole story on their own. If you’re buying wart removal gel, feminine hygiene products, or Preparation H, nobody has to ask why.

One time I went over to Ric’s house. He had two dogs at the time. I entered the living room and saw a wee wee pad taped to the wall, like a foot up from the floor.

I asked, “Why is there a wee wee pad taped to the wall?”

Ric asked me, “Why do you think?”

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).