How to Let a Conversation "Flow"

My dad has always had a shed and for many years had a van.

The shed was always full of grimy bolts, rusted bits of metal he thought would be handy, and tools which were both grimy and rusted. He is a tinkerer by nature, and his shed was absolutely vital to his lifestyle, so much so that when he moved into a houseboat he put the shed on some old logs as floats and tied it to the dock. Making the shed amphibious did nothing to help the grime and rust situation.

His van was a phone company surplus model with a weird rack that wasn’t good for anything but telecommunications equipment bolted to the roof. The cargo area behind the two front seats was completely empty. The walls were 1-ply steel with exposed structural ribs and the “upholstery: was a thin rubber mat glued to the floor. When he’d have the three of us boys for the weekend he’d make the back more comfortable by duct taping two lawn chairs together for us to use as a second row of seats.

Note: I said he made the back more comfortable, not more safe.

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How to Alter Someone's Perspective

Or maybe Rick would be less depressed if his best friend was a little more supportive. Just an idea.

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How to Give Performance Notes

When I was young, I wasn’t great at taking notes. I don’t mean writing down stuff my teachers said (though I wasn’t good at that either). I mean receiving critical feedback on my work.

When someone would try to give me advice for how to do something better my natural reaction was first to ask who they thought they were. Then I’d ask if they even bothered to look at my work before they expressed their ill-thought-out, nonsensical opinion. After that, I’d tell them that if they thought they could do better I’d like to see them try. When the conversation was over I’d go off, sulk, think about what they said, and usually conclude that they had a valid point.

I’m much better at taking notes now. My process is mostly the same, except I’ve learned to speed through the steps as quickly as possible and not to say anything until I reach the “they had a point” phase.

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How to Re-Explain Details in a Long-Running Narrative

The name Knifeketeer is, of course, a play on the term Musketeer, which was a person who fought his enemy with muskets.

There were also Grenadiers, who fought their enemies with grenades.

I could have named him the Knifier, but to me that seems similar to a sommelier, a person who, rather than fighting his or her enemies with wine, simply knows everything about wine and shares that knowledge with anyone within earshot.

Actually, The Knifier would make a good enemy for the Knifeketeer. The Knifeketeer would attack the Knifier with a knife, and the Knifier would criticize his blade choice.

“A bowie knife? In September? Don’t you think an imported Japanese tanto would be more appropriate?”

The Knifeketeer would HATE that.

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How to Share Your Personal Philosophy

I tried to read the Tibetan Book of the Dead once, a long time ago. I couldn’t get into it. In a sense, I started putting it down the instant I picked it up.

I remember being disappointed that it didn’t seem anything like the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis from the Evil Dead movies.

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How to Argue with Someone's Opinion

I don’t buy into the idea that special effects were better before computers. I will say this: special effects were more interesting before computers. It used to be that a documentary about how they did the effects for a movie would involve cool models, explosions, and robotic monsters. These days it’s mostly people sitting at computers looking at wireframes and actors wearing unitards studded with ping pong balls.

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How to Create a Memorable Advertising Campaign

There are certain products that tell the whole story on their own. If you’re buying wart removal gel, feminine hygiene products, or Preparation H, nobody has to ask why.

One time I went over to Ric’s house. He had two dogs at the time. I entered the living room and saw a wee wee pad taped to the wall, like a foot up from the floor.

I asked, “Why is there a wee wee pad taped to the wall?”

Ric asked me, “Why do you think?”

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How to Diffuse Irrational Anger

I am always instantly suspicious of people who seem overly worried about “rats” and “snitches.” I find that I’m usually not notified when I make the transition from being the person they’re worried will “rat them out,” to becoming the person they’re worried someone will “rat on them” to.

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How to Provide Context

If I’d had unlimited funds when I was fourteen, I would have totally doused myself in Drakkar Noir. I also would have worn a Members Only jacket, gradient tinted aviators, fingerless gloves, and had Falco blasting from the headrest speakers of my Pontiac Fiero.

In a word, I would have looked “rad.”

In retrospect, girls still would have found me as repellent as they already did at that age, but for different reasons.

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How to Learn About Someone Through Their Family History

In my whole comedy career, only twice did I get “the hook.” I was disappointed that in both cases it wasn’t an actual hook, just the person paying me walking up on stage, putting their hand over the microphone, and telling me the show was ending early because it wasn’t going well.

Just to be clear, in one case they scheduled the show during an important Seattle Mariners game, then had me perform on stage next to a TV showing the game. In the other they advertised “comedy at 9PM, dancing starts at 10PM,” then delayed the show so I started my act at 10:30, to a room full of people who deliberately arrived late to skip the comedy.

After treating my performance with such disrespect, the least either of them could have done was grant me the dignity of a nice, professional hook.

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