How to Re-Explain Details in a Long-Running Narrative

The name Knifeketeer is, of course, a play on the term Musketeer, which was a person who fought his enemy with muskets.

There were also Grenadiers, who fought their enemies with grenades.

I could have named him the Knifier, but to me that seems similar to a sommelier, a person who, rather than fighting his or her enemies with wine, simply knows everything about wine and shares that knowledge with anyone within earshot.

Actually, The Knifier would make a good enemy for the Knifeketeer. The Knifeketeer would attack the Knifier with a knife, and the Knifier would criticize his blade choice.

“A bowie knife? In September? Don’t you think an imported Japanese tanto would be more appropriate?”

The Knifeketeer would HATE that.

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How to Share Your Personal Philosophy

I tried to read the Tibetan Book of the Dead once, a long time ago. I couldn’t get into it. In a sense, I started putting it down the instant I picked it up.

I remember being disappointed that it didn’t seem anything like the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis from the Evil Dead movies.

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How to Argue with Someone's Opinion

I don’t buy into the idea that special effects were better before computers. I will say this: special effects were more interesting before computers. It used to be that a documentary about how they did the effects for a movie would involve cool models, explosions, and robotic monsters. These days it’s mostly people sitting at computers looking at wireframes and actors wearing unitards studded with ping pong balls.

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How to Create a Memorable Advertising Campaign

There are certain products that tell the whole story on their own. If you’re buying wart removal gel, feminine hygiene products, or Preparation H, nobody has to ask why.

One time I went over to Ric’s house. He had two dogs at the time. I entered the living room and saw a wee wee pad taped to the wall, like a foot up from the floor.

I asked, “Why is there a wee wee pad taped to the wall?”

Ric asked me, “Why do you think?”

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How to Diffuse Irrational Anger

I am always instantly suspicious of people who seem overly worried about “rats” and “snitches.” I find that I’m usually not notified when I make the transition from being the person they’re worried will “rat them out,” to becoming the person they’re worried someone will “rat on them” to.

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How to Provide Context

If I’d had unlimited funds when I was fourteen, I would have totally doused myself in Drakkar Noir. I also would have worn a Members Only jacket, gradient tinted aviators, fingerless gloves, and had Falco blasting from the headrest speakers of my Pontiac Fiero.

In a word, I would have looked “rad.”

In retrospect, girls still would have found me as repellent as they already did at that age, but for different reasons.

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How to Learn About Someone Through Their Family History

In my whole comedy career, only twice did I get “the hook.” I was disappointed that in both cases it wasn’t an actual hook, just the person paying me walking up on stage, putting their hand over the microphone, and telling me the show was ending early because it wasn’t going well.

Just to be clear, in one case they scheduled the show during an important Seattle Mariners game, then had me perform on stage next to a TV showing the game. In the other they advertised “comedy at 9PM, dancing starts at 10PM,” then delayed the show so I started my act at 10:30, to a room full of people who deliberately arrived late to skip the comedy.

After treating my performance with such disrespect, the least either of them could have done was grant me the dignity of a nice, professional hook.

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How to Reverse Engeneer

I’ve only ever eaten at the Rainforest Café once. I can imagine that in a suburban mall a restaurant themed to feel like a tropical jungle full of exotic animals would be a novelty. I ate at the one located in Walt Disney’s Animal Kingdom Park, where it felt redundant. I was eating a club sandwich in a simulation of the exact environment I’d come in there to get a break from.

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How to Give the People What They Want

I was lucky enough to get to make some joke-a-day calendars of my comic a few years back. The company that gave me a shot was Gladstone Media, and I will always be grateful to them, and to Leonard Phillips, the specific person who took a chance on me. Seeing my calendars on sale in Barnes and Noble was a real boost to my confidence. Would have been even more so if they had sold better.

Here’s an Amazon search that will give you a nice overview of Gladstone’s more popular calendars. I leave it to you to decide how well Meow-serschmitts would have fit into their lineup.

(Also, here’s a link to their website.)

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How to Treat Your Adversary with Respect

It could be argued that the “double fishhook” at the end of this comic is a sort of a callback to the two kids stretching each other’s mouths, about whom I’d written a comic a week or two before. Clearly, they made an impression.

Really, if two kids stretching out each other’s mouths hadn’t gotten my attention I’d have to wonder just how numb to the world I’d become.

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