How to State Your Beliefs

Inflatable sex dolls are interesting, in that anyone who tries to use one for its stated purpose clearly doesn’t understand the situation. I fully believe that even the people who make inflatable sex dolls do not expect them to be inflated and used for sex, and would be horrified to think that anyone attempted it. They are gag gifts, and nothing more. If they actually intended for any human to attempt to copulate with one, they’d make some attempt to make them less horrifying to look at, touch, or think about. It would be an unsuccessful attempt, but at least they would try.

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How to Collaborate

This strip was based on a situation a coworker of mine was stuck in where any written document he worked on was subjected to multiple editing passes by a supervisor with a capricious temperament and a poor memory, so he often got chastised for “poor writing choices” the supervisor himself added in a previous pass. I never had this situation myself, because that particular supervisor never trusted me to write anything of any importance.

The irony is not lost on me.

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How to Show Some Civic Pride

The lighted farm implement parade is real. I never went to it, though. I think my mom felt it was too commercial.

Don’t read too much into “The Unpleasantness.” I think most small-to-medium sized towns have a few events in their history that could be referred to as that. If you must have a concrete example, Sunnyside, and the Yakima Valley in general had a bad enough drug trafficking problem that we made the national news on multiple occasions.

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How to Tell Someone That you Don't Care What They Think

Going to the trouble to tell someone “I don’t care what you think,” is inherently funny to me, but laughing at people who say it always makes them angry. Clearly, they don’t care what I think, unless I think they’re funny.

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How to Fight Casual Racism

There is something to the fact that all of those slurs in panel three are the kinds of things that one might come up with if they felt they’d gotten the raw end of a deal and were looking for someone other than themselves to blame for their misfortune.

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How to Apply the Lessons of Fiction to the Real World

Yes, in this comic I proclaim my belief that Spider-Man has radioactive blood. If you care to argue this point, I will have to entreat you to listen, refer to you as “Bud,” then draw your attention to the theme song of the ’60s Spider-Man cartoon, which bolsters my point.

Also, yes, this comic makes a pretty strong anti-Trump statement. If you’re offended, I’ll point out that I wrote the comic in 2012, three years before he announced he was running for president. That at least proves that my position has remained consistent. And, I mean, really, his casino went bankrupt. A CASINO! The one business where people literally come in and give you money without getting anything back in return.

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How to Explain Why You Like Something

That’s two Buffalo wing comics in a row. The irony is that I’m not actually that fond of wings. The fried chicken is really just a substrate for the parts I do like: the sauce and the breading.

If only someone would come up with a product that was all sauce and breading. Some sort of buffalo dumpling, perhaps. It would never sell. Nobody’s going to buy, and then eat, “Buffalo dumplings.” It sounds like a euphemism. I don’t know what for, but nothing good.

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How to Get Some Use Out of Artwork You Really Like, but Seldom Need

Yes, I intend for there to be an image of how I died displayed over my casket at my funeral.

Yes, even if I die in a gruesome manner.

Yes, ESPECIALLY if I die in a scandalous manner.

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How to Wrestle with Technology's Disturbing Philosophical Implications

I didn’t live in Phoenix when I wrote this. Now I do, and I have a greater understanding of what a society run by retirees would be like. Living forever might sound nice, but be aware, you will spend that eternity eating dinner at 4:30 PM.

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How to Soothe Hurt Feelings

This one’s based on a real conversation, one in which I was in the wrong. Working at a theme park, you get really familiar with hand sanitizer. I know a lot of people don’t like the stuff, but I suggest you spend a work day touching things that have been touched by thousands of strangers in just the last hour. You will learn to appreciate hand sanitizer.

While I was working there, stories began to surface that the alcohol in some sanitizers could be absorbed through the skin and affect the user as if they’d been drinking. I am skeptical, but the possibility did nothing to curb any of my coworkers’ use of the stuff.

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