How to Apply the Lessons of Fiction to the Real World

Yes, in this comic I proclaim my belief that Spider-Man has radioactive blood. If you care to argue this point, I will have to entreat you to listen, refer to you as “Bud,” then draw your attention to the theme song of the ’60s Spider-Man cartoon, which bolsters my point.

Also, yes, this comic makes a pretty strong anti-Trump statement. If you’re offended, I’ll point out that I wrote the comic in 2012, three years before he announced he was running for president. That at least proves that my position has remained consistent. And, I mean, really, his casino went bankrupt. A CASINO! The one business where people literally come in and give you money without getting anything back in return.

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How to Explain Why You Like Something

That’s two Buffalo wing comics in a row. The irony is that I’m not actually that fond of wings. The fried chicken is really just a substrate for the parts I do like: the sauce and the breading.

If only someone would come up with a product that was all sauce and breading. Some sort of buffalo dumpling, perhaps. It would never sell. Nobody’s going to buy, and then eat, “Buffalo dumplings.” It sounds like a euphemism. I don’t know what for, but nothing good.

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How to Get Some Use Out of Artwork You Really Like, but Seldom Need

Yes, I intend for there to be an image of how I died displayed over my casket at my funeral.

Yes, even if I die in a gruesome manner.

Yes, ESPECIALLY if I die in a scandalous manner.

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How to Wrestle with Technology's Disturbing Philosophical Implications

I didn’t live in Phoenix when I wrote this. Now I do, and I have a greater understanding of what a society run by retirees would be like. Living forever might sound nice, but be aware, you will spend that eternity eating dinner at 4:30 PM.

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How to Soothe Hurt Feelings

This one’s based on a real conversation, one in which I was in the wrong. Working at a theme park, you get really familiar with hand sanitizer. I know a lot of people don’t like the stuff, but I suggest you spend a work day touching things that have been touched by thousands of strangers in just the last hour. You will learn to appreciate hand sanitizer.

While I was working there, stories began to surface that the alcohol in some sanitizers could be absorbed through the skin and affect the user as if they’d been drinking. I am skeptical, but the possibility did nothing to curb any of my coworkers’ use of the stuff.

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How to Explain How You Did It

For the record, the items MacraMayhem carries on his back are two giant knitting needles and a crochet hook. I considered having knitting needles come out of the backs of his wrists like Wolverine’s claws, but that would have been genuinely menacing, and for one of my villains, that is unacceptable.

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How to Share Your Knowledge

The Pepper’s Ghost illusion was originally used by charlatans to make people think they were looking at the dead, brought back as ghosts, which don’t exist. Now charlatans use the Pepper’s Ghost illusion to make people think they’re looking at the dead, brought back as 3D holographic projections, WHICH ALSO DON’T EXIST!

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How to Be Gracious in Defeat

When we were kids, my younger brother developed a diabolical strategy for winning at Monopoly. If I asked if he wanted to play, he’d say yes, but only if I would set up the board. I’d carefully count out $1500 per player in various denominations and organize the deeds so that the banker (me) would have an easier time later on.

When the game was ready, my brother would look at the board, say, “You know what? Naw. I don’t feel like it.”  Then he’d go outside.

Yeah, technically we didn’t play the game, but I can tell you, as I sat there, putting all of the bills away, I didn’t feel like a winner.

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How to React When Someone Tells You What They Would Have Done

In my experience, most of the time, when someone says, “Well, if it’d been me, I woulda . . .” they should be saying, “Well, based on the limited information I have, sitting here, safely removed from any consequences, I like to think that in that situation I woulda . . .”

Ninety-nine percent of the time they’re just bragging about what a badass they imagine themselves to be.

One of the few exceptions to this that leaps to mind is a comic I knew a long time ago who was driving stoned, and rear-ended someone on the way to a gig. They guy he rear-ended was cool about it and just exchanged insurance information without calling the cops or mentioning the still-lit joint in the comedian’s ashtray.

Everyone who heard the story agreed that the guy had been very kind. The comedian who rear-ended him agreed, and said if it’d been him who got rear-ended he’d have immediately faked a whiplash injury and threatened to call the cops unless the guy forked over a huge amount of money as quickly as he could get to an ATM.

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How to Help Realign Someone's World View

I still stand by this observation.

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