How to Break In New Shoes

When I was a bachelor, I would cook a frozen pizza directly on the middle rack of my oven. While it cooked, I would cut the box along the sides then flop the top of the box over so that I had a clean brown cardboard square. When the pizza was done, I’d slide it onto the cardboard with just one edge of the pizza hanging off of the edge where it could be easily bitten off. I’d sit on the couch, watching the Simpsons, and sliding the pizza forward, off of the box, and eating the exposed part until it was all gone.

I was full, it tasted good, and I dirtied no dishes at all. It was the perfect meal, except for the fact that it had almost no nutritional value.

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How to Keep Learning

I get that, at the time, Lucas and Spielberg thought of Indiana Jones as a sort of American James Bond, and having a different beautiful woman in every film was just part of that formula. But even as a kid, I was disappointed that Marion wasn’t in the second and third movies. Willie and Elsa weren’t half as good in my opinion.

There are rumors that Disney will try to reboot the Indiana Jones movies. If that happens, I hope they Keep Marion around. Or, failing that, if they made a series of films for their streaming service of Marion’s adventures on her own before or after Raiders of the Lost Ark, I’d watch them. An American woman in the 1930s doesn’t end up owning a bar in Nepal without there being a good story attached.

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How to Join Forces with Like Minded Individuals

When I was a kid, the Legion of Doom always seemed like a much cooler organization than the Super Friends. Not because evil always seems cooler than good, but because they had a much cooler clubhouse. The Hall of Justice looked like a 1920s bus station or something, and inside it was a giant computer and shiny floor. The Hall of Doom, on the other hand, looked like Darth Vader’s head, rose up out of the swamp somewhere, and inside the villains were all seated like they were attending a Friar’s Club roast.

In the ’70s, nothing was cooler than that.

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How to Understand a Baffling New Technology

I’m genuinely serious about this. It seems to me that if they made a vape that made no visible smoke and looked like pen, smokers wouldn’t have to go smoke outside anymore. 

It doesn’t have to be a pen. Heck, make it a bagpipe. You could also use it as a purse, and while it would be weird to just sit at your desk with your bagpipe in your mouth, I doubt anyone would complain that the bagpipe wasn’t making noise.

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How to Welcome a VIP

I was a member of the Junior Grange. For those who don’t know, the Grange is sort of a cross between 4-H and the Freemasons. Our mom joined us up as a means of allowing us to socialize with other farm kids our own age, which is a good thing when your nearest neighbor is a half-mile away.

Junior Grange also taught me about parliamentary procedure. Each meeting involved a highly formalized meeting with specific roles and a structured order of events. The very first meeting I attended, when I was in something like the 4th grade, I was made Gatekeeper. I learned many valuable lessons about “grown-up business.” Primarily that it is stupefying boring, it usually accomplishes nothing, and that you shouldn’t ever agree to do something until after the person asking explains, in detail, what is involved.

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How to Figure Out Who You Really Are

Ric really did did take issue with me saying that he’s a defeatist, complaining, “I’m just profoundly negative.”

There are those who argue that you’re not really defeated until you admit defeat. To them I say that if defeat is something you have to admit, it clearly already exists. That argument rarely convinces them, or if it does, they never admit it.

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How to Say No

“Let me put on a Speedo and ride you to Thailand” is one of the best things I ever came up with.

If you think about it, Omnipresent Man could transport any object from any place, to any place, instantly, for free. That’s actually a tremendous power. At the very least he’d be great at serving subpoenas.

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How to Advise Someone Who's Moving in with Their Girlfriend

If you watch any episode of House Hunters, it seems like you’ll hear the phrase “happy wife, happy life” at least once. It’s usually said by a husband who does not look happy.

I’ve tried to come up with a male equivalent, but the only words I can come up with to rhyme with groom are broom, womb, doom, and tomb, so any poem made with them would be horrific, sexist, or most likely, both. I don’t want that.

How about this for an alternative: “Make each other happy, and you’ll both be happy”?

I know. It’ll never take off. It doesn’t rhyme, and it’s not nearly adversarial enough to be repeated on House Hunters, which seems to be a show built on the idea of taking a pleasant couple and pitting them against each other.

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How to Explain Another of Your Brilliant Plans

There is a Chick-fil-A and an In-N-Out within a ten-minute drive of my home. Many people would consider it un-American that I’m not having lunch at one of those places right now, but there’s only so much lunch one man can eat.

Many would consider the concept of placing any limitation on the concept of lunch un-American as well.

Wait a second. Chick-fil-A . . . In-N-Out. Maybe the key to great fast food is to have two hyphens in your name.

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How to Defend an Artistic Decision

I seem to remember this conversation going of on a tangent about how Ric’s failures are so glaring that one must view them through welding goggles or a pinhole camera to prevent the image of them being seared permanently into the viewer’s psyche.

Yes, we actually talk like that. Am I lying, Missy?

Note from Missy: Not quite like that. Usually your conversations are even more stilted and awkward. :)

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