“Let me put on a Speedo and ride you to Thailand” is one of the best things I ever came up with.
If you think about it, Omnipresent Man could transport any object from any place, to any place, instantly, for free. That’s actually a tremendous power. At the very least he’d be great at serving subpoenas.
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If you watch any episode of House Hunters, it seems like you’ll hear the phrase “happy wife, happy life” at least once. It’s usually said by a husband who does not look happy.
I’ve tried to come up with a male equivalent, but the only words I can come up with to rhyme with groom are broom, womb, doom, and tomb, so any poem made with them would be horrific, sexist, or most likely, both. I don’t want that.
How about this for an alternative: “Make each other happy, and you’ll both be happy”?
I know. It’ll never take off. It doesn’t rhyme, and it’s not nearly adversarial enough to be repeated on House Hunters, which seems to be a show built on the idea of taking a pleasant couple and pitting them against each other.
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There is a Chick-fil-A and an In-N-Out within a ten-minute drive of my home. Many people would consider it un-American that I’m not having lunch at one of those places right now, but there’s only so much lunch one man can eat.
Many would consider the concept of placing any limitation on the concept of lunch un-American as well.
Wait a second. Chick-fil-A . . . In-N-Out. Maybe the key to great fast food is to have two hyphens in your name.
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I seem to remember this conversation going of on a tangent about how Ric’s failures are so glaring that one must view them through welding goggles or a pinhole camera to prevent the image of them being seared permanently into the viewer’s psyche.
Yes, we actually talk like that. Am I lying, Missy?
Note from Missy: Not quite like that. Usually your conversations are even more stilted and awkward. :)
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A video game console
A stereo
A TV
A VCR
A camera – still AND video
A computer
The smart phone I own today is pretty much a combination of everything I wanted as a kid, except a BB gun and a go kart.
And yes, I would have fired the BB gun while riding the go kart, which is a hint as to why I never got either of them.
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Yeah, I had a conversation with a coworker about the Mayan calendar, in which said coworker talked about how the Mayans were wiped out by the “spaniels.”
That particular coworker fancied himself a history buff. One evening he began to expound, at length, about how important the city of Constantinople was to ancient commerce. It sat in an important spot along the trade routes, so all of the important products passed through. My coworker began listing the important products. He came up with three.
“Silk, spices . . . poisons.”
It was at that moment that I realized that this “history buff’ learned everything he knew about history from playing the Assassins Creed games.
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I have this theory that the most fundamental ways to abuse power is to make other people pay for your mistakes.
I developed this theory after a conversation with a comedy booker who had accidentally scheduled two comedians to do one show, and was calling to tell me that I would be getting paid half what I was promised, because that seemed fair to her.
I was sure it did.
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Actually, Douglas Adams and Hunter S. Thompson make good mismatched travelers in a road movie. Hunter insists on driving with the top down, but it makes Douglas’s tea cold, and the direct sunlight washes out the screen of his 16lb portable Macintosh. Douglas starts talking about time travel paradoxes after Hunter took mescaline and causes Hunter to have a bad trip. After several days of squabbling they find common ground and team up against their common enemy: deadlines.
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I fully expected to own a sword cane by the time I reached this age, and I’m more offended by the lack of a sword cane in my life than I am by the lack of jet-packs and flying cars. I know, I could just go buy myself a sword cane, but that feels like bad form. A sword cane seems like the kind of thing you either inherit or take from a corpse. Specifically, a corpse wearing a top hat.
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The only thing I’m more tired of than zombies, is people taking zombies, making minor changes, calling them something else and pretending they aren’t zombies. Any time the dead are reanimated, and bent on attacking the living, you’ve got yourself a zombie, no matter what you call it.
Deadites are zombies. Shouting threats and wanting to “swallow your soul” instead of eating your brains makes no difference.
White Walkers are also zombies. Yeah, I know, they’re organized, but that just makes them zombies with a boss.
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