How to Overlook Flaws

I’m about to get into the weeds regarding Star Trek lore. Consider yourself warned.

The protagonist of Star Trek: Discovery is a human woman who is the adopted sister of Spock. This really bugs me, because Spock NEVER mentioned having a sister of any kind, and there’s a whole planet’s worth of Vulcan families they could have adopted her without creating any continuity issues.

I spent last season getting past that.

Now, this season, she’s looking for Spock because he’s been having religious visions since he was a child, and has seemingly acted illogically because of them.

This is Spock who is doing this. Spock.

This bothers me a little, because it’s out of character for Spock.

It bothers me A LOT because it would be perfectly in character for SYBOK!! You know, Sybok? Spock’s half brother, the RELIGIOUS ZEALOUT who got banished from Vulcan for ACTING ILLOGICALLY? Star Trek 5, THE FINAL FRONTIER! “I NEED MY PAIN!” “WHY DOES GOD NEED A STARSHIP?” Is any of this ringing any bells?

In case you’re wondering, no, the existence of Sybok has not been mentioned on Discovery. It’s almost as if they want us to forget Star Trek 5 happened.

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How to Form Your Opinion of Another Human Being

Yes, I worked with a guy who told me the story in panel one. No, I didn’t like him much.

I can think of several reasons a person would need a scooter without “looking like they need one.” Arthritis, heart condition, bad hip, circulation issues, you name it. Working in the theme park industry taught me that you can’t diagnose someone’s medical conditions just by glancing at them.

That said, I did see more than one family using a scooter or a wheelchair to try to skip lines. One young lady literally ran up to the entrance of the ride I was working, asked to borrow the courtesy wheelchair she saw tucked away behind the gate, then sat down in it and asked us where the wheelchair entrance to the ride was.

I have never taken more joy in telling someone that the regular queue was totally ADA compliant and wheelchair accessible.

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How to Pick Which Animal You're Most Like

I can’t say this often enough. For a time, I tried writing comics where I was kinder to the character Rick, even letting him win occasionally. The real Ric noticed, called me, and told me to knock it off.

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How to Learn About Someone By Examining Their Possessions

I lived in Orlando, and I’ve been to Mexico, the Bahamas, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York, and Alaska. In all of those places, I’ve seen gift shops selling the same shot glasses with the same slogans printed on their sides, with the place name added at the bottom in a mis-matched font, sometimes on a sticker. From a marketing point of view, it’s an interesting move. You have a product no clear-minded person would be excited about, so you target heavy drinkers.

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How to Stop Watching a TV Show

Currently, I have a distressing number of episodes of Antiques Roadshow piling up on the DVR. That probably means it’ll be the next show to get the ax.

It’s never been incredibly exciting viewing, but I’m always amused at the hideous things people will pay thousands of dollars for. Of course, a lot of them would tell you that they only spend that much money because they’re collectors, and they need to finish their collection. That’s even more amazing, as it just means they’ve paid thousands of dollars for many versions of the same hideous thing.

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How to Ruin the Story You Are Telling

One of the hard-and-fast rules I learned doing standup was this: “Never tell an audience to stop laughing.”

You’d be shocked how often this happens, with inexperienced comedians, amateurs telling jokes, or just random people trying to relate a funny story. The intended audience will laugh at part of the setup, or at a part of the story the teller doesn’t think is the funny part, and the person talking will say, “No! No. Wait! Here’s the best part,” or something similar.

This stops the audience from laughing, scolds them for enjoying the story, and sets up impossible expectation that “the funny part” can’t possibly meet.

One night, long ago, another comedian and I performed at a fairly disastrous private party for high schoolers, which took place in the living room of a suburban home. I was in my mid-twenties, and looked a little young for my age. The other comedian was closer to the age I am now, late forty-something, and she had difficulty connecting with the high schoolers. She went first, did a shortened act, then sat to the side and watched me close the show out.

Halfway through my act, a little girl (the homeowner’s youngest daughter), about five years old and wearing pajamas, stumbled into the room and went to her mother. I stopped, smiled at the adorable little girl, and said, “Hello.” She screamed bloody murder as her mother carried her from the room.

As her screams receded into the distance, I said, “Sadly, I have that effect on females of all ages.”

I got a nice little laugh off of that. As the laugh died off, the little girl stopped screaming and very clearly shouted, “Scary!”

The audience blew up. It was the biggest laugh of the night by far . . .until the other comedian stood up, ran out in front of me pressing her hands down in a sort of reverse-raise-the-roof maneuver, and said, “No! No! No no no! She didn’t say ‘scary.’ She said ‘Therapy!’ She’s gonna need therapy!”

The room went dead silent, and stayed that way until the other comic hung her head and sat back down.

NEVER tell an audience to stop laughing.

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How to Get Someone to Do Their Job

I had an office job at one point. I was well and truly the lowest person on the org chart, so much so that they would have needed an extra piece of paper tacked onto the bottom of the chart to accurately reflect my position.

That said, one of my daily duties was to make sure that everyone used the time-tracking software every day to record their billable hours. It was one of my favorite parts of the job, because I got to browbeat people who made much more money and had much more power than me. The people I harassed were fine with it, because they got to ignore me without any fear. Our communal boss got to blame everyone but himself for the fact that the hours weren’t getting recorded the way he wanted.

In a way, it was a perfect system.

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How to Hide Your Achilles Heel

When it comes to giving directions, there are two kinds of people: street name people and landmark people.

Street name people base their direction on street names. “Turn right on Spruce, go about a mile, then hang a left on Main.”

Landmark people base their directions on landmarks. ““Turn right after the Best Buy, go about a mile, then hang a left at the Trader Joe’s.”

I once witnessed an argument between someone offering landmark-based directions, and someone who wanted street name-based directions. The directions involved turning at a Denny’s.

The person receiving the directions asked, “What if I don’t see the Denny’s?”

The guy giving the directions said, “A Denny’s is a hell of a lot bigger than a street sign.”

The logic was impeccable.

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How to Be a Good Parent

The idea for this comic sprang into my head almost fully formed. I worked at a resort hotel where the children’s entertainment program featured a pirate cruise and a princess tea party, both of which were held at the same time. I watched the pirate pontoon boat sailing off, leaving the bejeweled princesses back on shore and I thought, “What kind of pirates are you?”

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How to Figure Out "Who's That For?!"

The first time I accidentally hit the insert key on my computer, it messed me up for something like an hour. I thought I was going to need a new computer, or at least to reinstall the OS to fix it.

My third car was the first one I ever owned that wouldn’t start unless you pressed in the clutch. For days I was convinced that there was something wrong with the car, because sometimes it just wouldn’t start. The clutch situation was eventually explained to me by a mechanic. He was not particularly nice about it.

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