How to Explain Why You've Chosen Not to Have Children
Panel one is a joke from my old stand-up act. It was one of my favorites, because when it really hit you could tell from the sound of the laugh that the audience didn’t want to laugh at it, but couldn’t help themselves. There’s no greater feeling as a comic than forcing someone to laugh against their will.
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How to Live Your Dreams
When I was fifteen, the three coolest cars I could think of were the Camaro Berlinetta, the Subaru Brat, and the Pontiac Fiero. The Camaro’s stereo was mounted on a swiveling stalk that came out of the center console. The Brat had two hard plastic seats in the truck bed that had handles to hold on to instead of seatbelts. The Fiero had speakers built into the headrests.
I look at the cars for sale now, and I don’t see any of those features being offered. Its almost as if I fifteen-year-old me wanted things that weren’t actually good ideas.
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How to Embrace Change
In the hands of a pre-teen boy, everything becomes a weapon. I had a toy Saturn 5 rocket that had a little spring-loaded crew capsule on the end. I launched Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong on many a dangerous mission to one of my brothers’ heads.
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How to Respond to a Joke That Makes No Sense
I had never heard the old “our boss treats us like mushroom” joke. (They keep us in the dark and cover us with s#!t, in case you haven’t heard it.) The coworker who told it to me just said that our managers treated us like mushrooms, laughed hard at his own wit, then refused to elaborate. It was like he didn’t understand that a joke has two parts. Instead of trying to explain the joke to me when I didn’t get it, he thought he could make me get it by repeating what he’d already said only louder and slower. It gave me insight into what it must be like to speak a foreign language and have to communicate with an American tourist.
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How to Come to Grips with Something That Disturbs You But You Don't Know Why
We don’t hear much about Zuckerberg killing his own meat anymore. Maybe because one or more of Facebooks publicists got him to understand that when you publicly proclaim that you kill your own meat, many people will find it disturbing, and a sizable percentage of those who don’t will still laugh because they perceive it as a masturbation joke.
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"Rick": Episode 2
In the foreword to one of my books I referred to Ric as having a defeatist attitude. Ric was offended, and immediately called me to defend himself. He said, “I’m not defeatist! I’m just profoundly negative.”
Anyway, this comic is all true. He said every one of these things to me. If memory serves, the story that involved panel three almost ended in a fist fight.
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How to "Let It Out"
I stand by this comic, and every word printed in it. If you’re a man with a comb-over reading this, please take it in the spirit it’s intended, not as an insult but as brutal honesty. If you have a comb-over, you’re not fooling anybody but yourself. Like ripping off a Band-Aid or jumping in a cold swimming pool, just shaving it and facing life as a bald man will be difficult at first, but far easier in the long run than any of the alternatives.
Now, as for the president, there’s some reason to believe that his—let’s be honest—ridiculous farce of a comb-over isn’t just hiding a bald spot. It might be hiding the scar from a procedure called a scalp reduction surgery.
If true, in my opinion, this speaks not only to his vanity, and his belief that the rest of us are easily fooled, but also to his complete lack of foresight, because the only way a procedure such as this can possibly be effective in reversing hair loss for any period of time longer than a few months is if the patient lost a bunch of hair, but can expect to not lose any more, ever, for the rest of their life.
That is not how male-pattern-baldness works.
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