How to Run a Joke into the Ground

Magnum P.I. is back. The pilot/first episode of the reboot hasn’t aired as of this writing, but was directed by Justin Lin, who directed several of the Fast and Furious movies. Looking at the commercials, it seems like he looked at the original show and thought that what it lacked was more high-speed chases, big stunt sequences, and cars blowing up. This isn’t a huge surprise. This is the same guy who directed the only Star Trek movie in which the captain jumps a motorcycle.

Note: I enjoyed Star Trek Beyond, but having the solution to the crew’s predicament be letting Kirk skid around on a dirt bike for twenty minutes did sort of take me out of the story.

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How to Be a Good husband During "Ladytimes"

I have a theory.

Since I was a child, I’ve been told that women become irritable when they are menstruating, and that this is because their hormones make them irrational. I suspect that their irritability is entirely rational, and that rather than hormones, it is caused by having half of the people they deal with not understand that they are having to continue functioning despite the fact that they are in terrible pain.

I have another theory.

Since I was a child, I have heard that men don’t like to buy feminine hygiene products for the women in their lives, and that this is because the men in question are insecure. I suspect, however, that if the lady in your life mentions that she’s going to the store, and asks if you need anything, they would hesitate to buy whatever you ask for, even if it’s something totally innocuous, like Diet Pepsi, or a scrub brush, if you specify that it’s “For my nards.” This effect would only be magnified if strangers were able to look at that item in her basket and know, “She’s buying that for some dude’s nards.”

Also, I should point out that my disguise in this comic is sunglasses and a hoodie. I was apparently disguised as “Most other guys.”

Note from Missy: My brain read “for my nards” the same way one would shout “FOR THE HORDE!”

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How to See the Patterns

The show How It’s Made is built on the principle that people will sit through something they don’t find all that interesting or entertaining as long as it is short, and there’s a reasonable hope that the next thing will be better. It’s the same idea that drove MTV in the old days, and all comic strips, if you think about it.

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How to Give Constructive Criticism

A shed full of rusty tools.

A nondescript white van.

A quiet, private demeanor, but occasional flashes of inappropriate anger.

These are all stereotypical characteristics of serial killers, and of my father in the ’80s. He eventually got rid of the van, but he kept the shed and the anger.

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How to Guess

When I made this comic, I needed to keep the narration in the second panel down to two lines to make room for the dialog, and the phrase “the person who is asking you questions” was taking up nearly an entire line on its own. I knew there had to be a way to cut it down to one word.

“Questioner,” “Interviewer,” and “Interrogator” all set the entirely wrong mood, so I chose “querent.” Of course, it’s not a word that’s in common usage, so I ended up having to add two full lines of text to explain the word, but those lines were in a different place, so I was fine with it.

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How to Explore Your Emotions

This is a situation where pretty much taking notes on a conversation with the real Ric gave me the final two panels. All I had to do was figure out what to put in the first two panels to set them up.

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How to Fully Enjoy Popular Fiction

I read the first three Lisbeth Salander books, but I haven’t tried the 4th one. It kind of looks like they’ve turned her into some sort of superhero, which would be an unfortunate, but I’m sure very profitable, turn of events.

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How to Wish Your Friend a Happy 50th Birthday

When I was in my twenties I figured that by the time I was in my forties I’d feel, mentally, like I was in my forties. I don’t. In many ways, I feel like my twenty-something brain has been transplanted into the body of one of my crusty old uncles.

Also, when I was in my twenties, I would have thought that feeling like I was in my twenties when I was in my forties would be a good thing, but you don’t keep the parts of the twenty-something mindset that feel good: the arrogance, the invincibility, the knowledge that you are the future. You lose those on your 30th birthday. You hold on to the insecurity, the confusion, and the fear that you will make a mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life, only “the rest of your life,” is a much shorter period of time, and much, much closer.

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How to Explain Why You Haven't Put Someone in Your Comic Strip

In retrospect, I feel bad that I subtly suggested that I consider “water sports” to be a hideous perversion. It’s not anything I’m interested in, but if that’s your thing, and you keep it among consenting adults, who am I to judge?

I feel no remorse about my treatment of my older brother. For the record, he seemed more irritated about the handlebar mustache than the urine.

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How to Be Friends with an Attractive Woman when You're a Heterosexual Man

When this comic first ran I got several e-mails from dudes asking some variation on the question, “Why would a man would want to be friends with a woman?”

These were obviously men who had never tried it.

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