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How to Help Pick a Baby Name

May 07, 2018 by Scott Meyer

This is one of the meanest comics I wrote. I also like it more than most. I do want to make it clear that all of the insults are aimed at Jenkins, not his girlfriend or their unborn child. Making fun of either of them would be unconscionable, in my opinion. The child didn’t do anything wrong, and while the girlfriend made one bad decision (getting in a relationship with Jenkins), I’m sure she’s already suffered for it.

Note from Missy: If this were written today, I’d probably ask Scott to name the baby “Burdyn” instead (or “Burdynne” for a girl), since that seems to be the way the last 8 years have taken us.

 

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May 07, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Choose a Nickname

May 04, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Okay, I want to tell this story, but I need to be careful about what I say, and how I say it.

I had a coworker at one of the Disney locations I worked who referred to himself, in the third person, as “The Maverick.” Literally. He would enter a room and say, “Uh oh! Here comes the Maverick!”

I may have mentioned here that I don’t have a lot of faith in my own memory as far as dates, times, and important tasks go. Sci-Fi movies, dialog from The Simpsons, and times I’ve been insulted, those I remember for life. I need to write everything else down. So, I always carried a notebook with me at work, and would jot down notes as needed.

One day, The Maverick saw me writing down a reminder about something and confronted me about it. It seems at his previous location, in one of the theme parks, his coworkers had taken detailed notes of his “activities,” creating a paper trail that led to his being given the choice of either transferring out of that specific area, or being terminated.

I can’t say what he was doing wrong without getting into a lot more detail than I can here, but I can tell you that he was NOT endangering anybody’s safety, management was right to threaten to fire him, and the guests who complained were all from the same racial background. I know all this because he told me what he did, proudly, still utterly convinced that he was right.

Stories like this are why I believe, deep in my heart, that in any line of work where the jobs are filled by human beings, there will be a certain number of them who are incompetent or deranged enough to be a problem, but not quite enough to have been fired yet. We tend to overestimate the numbers of these problem people, because they’re the ones we hear about, either in amusing anecdotes, or on the evening news.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

May 04, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Select a Dish to Bring to an Office Potluck

May 02, 2018 by Scott Meyer

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If your workplace holds a potluck during the regular lunch break, in the regular lunchroom, it is not a celebration. It’s an ordinary meal break, but with everyone sharing their sack lunch.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

May 02, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Appreciate American Cuisine

April 30, 2018 by Scott Meyer

The first time this comic ran I received more than one e-mail from readers who had worked at McDonalds, claiming that the reason their Diet Coke tastes better is that they clean the soda fountain and supply lines according to Coca-Cola’s guidelines.

Whether that’s true or not, it’s a great piece of PR for McDonalds to put out there. “We’re not saying our competitors’ restaurants are filthy. Your taste buds are saying it. We’re just agreeing.”

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 30, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Vent

April 27, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Yes, I wrote this after watching a Christmas choral performance. Yes, I stood there, too distracted by my disdain for the conductor to enjoy the music.

He just looked so nauseatingly pleased with himself, standing with his back to the audience, waving his fingers while other people sang. Then, when the song was over, he took a big theatrical bow as the audience applauded. I wanted to shout, “Nobody’s applauding you, jackass! Now sit down, you’re blocking my view of the talented people!”

There are those who have heard that story and accused me of not having much Christmas spirit.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 27, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Overcome Your Fear

April 25, 2018 by Scott Meyer

When I wrote this, Missy and I lived in Orlando. Designing a city to be a great place to visit sort of makes it a bizarre place to live. For example, there is a high school across the street from one of the back walls of Universal Islands of Adventure. You can see the spires of Hogwarts castle from the school’s parking lot. You can hear the riders on the rollercoasters screaming as you drive past the football field. Can you imagine what torture that must be for the students on a pleasant spring day? Growing up in Eastern Washington I used to sit in class and stare longingly out the window, and I was looking at asparagus fields and feed lots.

Note from Missy: I went into my photo archives and found a picture of a little bird licking inside Scott’s ear. Man, I miss that one specific part of Gatorland. 

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 25, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Criticize Someone You Respect Deeply

April 23, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Luckily, George Lucas is no longer involved in the production of new Star Wars films, and as such the newer movies generate zero controversy or complaints.

Whenever someone publicly declares that the latest whatever has RUINED Star Wars, I like to think that George Lucas calls Kathleen Kennedy and just laughs.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 23, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Create a Tale of Suspense

April 20, 2018 by Scott Meyer

Ric actually has highly refined taste in music, which is why it pleases me to suggest that he loves Right Said Fred.

Ric is a Jazz aficionado. (I prefer to call them “Jazzies.” He prefers it when I don’t.) He subscribes to a magazine about the state of Jazz music and the careers of the great Jazz musicians of our day. The way he tells it, the magazine is a monthly litany of apathy, poverty, and degradation.

It is called Downbeat, which he agrees with me, is apt.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 20, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Retroactively Ruin a Joke

April 18, 2018 by Scott Meyer

I believe that the best way to act after you’ve told a joke is to act like there was no joke, whether the joke was successful or not. If the joke didn’t work, no amount of explaining the premise or pressing your audience to “lighten up” will save it; and if the joke worked, making a face, laughing at your own wit, or reminding people what a  great joke you just told will only kill whatever laugh and positive feelings you might have created.

This is just an opinion.

The opinion of a man who is sitting here writing about a series of jokes he came up with nearly a decade ago, thus ignoring his own advice.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 18, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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How to Hide the Fact That You're Out of Your Gourd on Cold Medicine

April 16, 2018 by Scott Meyer

I wrote this after spending eight hours working closely with a coworker who was blasted on cold meds. It was a pain doing a major portion of her work, but the fun of watching her spend the day groggily insisting that the medication wasn’t having any effect on her more than made up for it.

Note from Missy: The last line in the first panel just made me LOL; I’m so glad Scott gave it to me. Scott didn’t hear me LOL, though, because he’s wearing his VR helmet and headphones, playing Star Trek: Bridge Crew.  That particular punchline writes itself.

 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

April 16, 2018 /Scott Meyer
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