How to Fight a Fake Looking Monster

Captain Kirk was a terrible fist fighter. I can’t think of a single time Kirk ever singlehandedly beat someone into submission with his fists. He always had other crewmen, or Spock was there to hit them with the Vulcan nerve pinch. Maybe ending an episode with the captain just punching an alien in the face until they cried uncle wasn’t deemed heroic enough.

It has always struck me that in Star Trek (and now on The Orville, A TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND DISTINCT SHOW!!!) humans are the most feeble, least ferocious sentient creatures in the galaxy. Except maybe for the Ferengi. I dunno. They do have those sharp little teeth.

On Star Trek: Discovery, there’s a creature who they state many times is from a prey species. He talks at length about how his people can sense death, and live in constant fear. Well, it turns out he can also crush a communicator with his bare hands.

If Star Trek were realistic, humans would not be in command of all the Federation ships. Their primary jobs would be as an emergency source of protein.

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How to Gain Wisdom from the People Around You

So, about the song “Love the One You’re With.” I have to assume that Stephen Stills was single at the time that he wrote it, or went through a breakup shortly afterward, because I don’t know how you play that song for the person you’re in a relationship with and not have it forever change that person’s attitude towards you.

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How to ask an Unanswerable Question (A Little NSFW)

You may think the commercial I suggest is stupid, and you’d be right, but that doesn’t mean nobody’d do it, or that it wouldn’t work. Ever since the debut of Juicy Juice and its slogan, “Juicy Juice is the Juiciest Juice,” all bets have been off.

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How to Find and explore Your Personal Limits

As a Jonathan Coulton fan, I cannot endorse Glee.

When it first started, I was of two minds about the show. I liked its message of empowerment for the disenfranchised and nerdy, but I disliked the fact that the show suggested that the key to finding acceptance was through singing and dancing. I’d have preferred it if they had highlighted the method I used to find my niche: sarcasm and ironic detachment. They could have called the show Snark.

Note from Missy: I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the same Note from Missy I left when this comic first ran, but: you can tell that Scott makes up some of this dialog, because I totally know Sy Snootles’ name.

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How to Be Kind to the Least Among You

I saw Justice League. I seem to recall enjoying it, but the next day I could barely remember it. If I concentrate, I can come up with some solid recollections of who said or did what, but no part of it jumps out as having been my “favorite part.”

I am irritated that Jason Momoa looks like he does and is funny. Being funny is supposed to be what the fates give guys like me to make up for the fact that we don’t look like him, or Chris Hemsworth, or Terry Crews. If big, pumped-up beefcakes are going to start being funny, I might have to start going to a gym, and I really don’t want to do that.

Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to be talking about the comic. I think the joke in panel three is some of my best work.

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How to Look Busy

One job I had at Disney involved waiting for long stretches for a specific thing to happen. When that thing happened, we were busy. In the meantime it got quite boring. One of my coworkers was a very even-keeled, diplomatic sort. One day I got bored enough that, in an effort to entertain myself, I started walking laps of him, just to see how many times I could circumnavigate the poor guy before he said something.

He never said anything. After 12 laps, he just walked away, and never mentioned it.

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How to Discuss Something You Really Don't Want to Discuss

There are certain jobs I’d rather women didn’t do, not because I feel they can’t, or shouldn’t be allowed to if they want, but because I’d rather spare them the experience.

Scrotal Ultrasound Technician is one such job.

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How to Appreciate Things You Don't Like

I don’t mind at all if a song has elements of country music, or country influences. My biggest problem with “country music” is that, at the time when I was exposed to lots of it, it seemed to me that most of the songs were about “the country,” or about how the singer was “from the country,” and played music from or in “the country.” It was like it didn’t qualify as country music unless the word “country” or “music” was in the chorus of the song.

I’m not a big fan of rock songs about “rocking” either.

Them- “I wanna rock and roll all night!”
Me – “Get to it, then. I’m not stopping you.”

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How to Impress People

The Super Big Gulp is about as big as most people are willing to go, but there is (or at least was, at one time) a Double Gulp: 64 ounces of ice-cold liquid freedom. Eventually they made the Double Gulp cups from plastic, but at first they were waxed cardboard, and had a top that folded over like a milk carton for extra structural rigidity.

I was unable to find a picture of the old milk-carton style Double Gulp cup online. Luckily, I did find a few other people mentioning that they remembered them, or else I’d have to chalk the whole thing up to some sort of fever dream.

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How to Agree on a Definition

Clearly the open-faced sandwich thing was really bugging me.

Someone wrote complaining that by my definition Subway sandwiches aren’t sandwiches, because instead of slicing the bread in half, the “Sandwich Artists” scoop the loaf out like a dugout canoe. That person was, of course, 100% WRONG. The “Sandwich Artists” finish the sandwich by taking the part of the bread they scooped out and placing it back on top of the filling, thus satisfying my requirement that a sandwich consists on at least one thing held between at least two pieces of another thing.

I know that by my own rules, calling a chowder-filled bread bowl a sandwich is pushing it, but I’ve seen places where they take the top of the loaf of bread and place it on top like a lid, so it totally counts. Yes, it’s difficult to pick up and eat, but not impossible, if you’re careful, and don’t care about making a mess, because you will.

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