How to Suffer for Your Beliefs

Being able to pick the item up is not the only criteria of whether or not something is a sandwich. If it were, a corn dog would be a sandwich. If the dish in question is not made up of at least one piece of something positioned between at least two pieces of another thing, sandwiched between them, if you will, it is not a sandwich.

A Taco is not a sandwich.

A burrito is not a sandwich.

A wrap is not a sandwich. It is a bad burrito eaten by someone who is fooling themselves.

A hot dog is not a sandwich . . . unless the little flap of bread that acts as the bun’s hinge splits, transforming the singular bun into two pieces of bread. In that case, it becomes a sandwich with very poor structural integrity.

A “Pizza boat” is not a sandwich. It is also not a pizza either. It is an edible cop-out.

Note from Missy: This goes side-by-side with another ongoing beef a friend has, on whether Cheetos count as “chips.”

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How to Avoid Discussing Politics at Work

I wrote this comic many years ago. Just saying.

On a certain level, I find it reassuring that things have always been screwed up. On the other hand, the fact that I’ve reached the point that I find that reassuring is one of the most depressing thoughts I’ve ever had.

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How to Bother Someone Back

In the first three panels of this comic I make fun of fictional me for stubbornly antagonizing someone whose good will he depends on for his livelihood. Ironic, since that’s exactly what I did by writing this comic, deliberately riddled with spelling errors.

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How to Help Someone with Their Relationship Problems

I actually like a good romantic comedy. Nora Ephron in particular did excellent work. I’m always happy when I catch part of You’ve Got Mail on TV. There’s a lot of good stuff in that movie.

“Never marry a man who lies!”

“He was too proud, or was he too prejudiced. I can never remember.”

“That nut from the observer who’s in love with his typewriter.”

I have it on DVD. If memory serves, I bought it at the huge, fabulous Barnes and Noble store at University Village in Seattle. It was an early prototype for the immense bookstores that Fox Books in You’ve Got Mail was based on. It’s long since gone out of business.

Something to think about next time the movie comes on.

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How to Fulfill the Prophecy

I think I’ve shared this opinion before, but I feel strongly enough about it that I’m fine with repeating myself.

In the Star Wars prequels, there was prophecy that “the one” would “bring balance to the force.” Then Liam Neeson brought in a kid he thought was “the one.” At that point, there was a small army of Jedi using the Force for good, and, like, one guy using it for evil, and they weren’t even sure he existed. How does nobody look at that situation and not realize that if the kid’s going to “bring balance,” he will have to be the most evil bastard in the galaxy?

Yoda should have diced Anakin like an onion while shouting, “Sorry, I am. Safe, we must play it.”

Note from Missy: Ooh, I remember this comic because of the spelling. If you ever needed an example of how the English language is kind of a dick, look at how “prophecy” is a noun, and “prophesy” is a verb. Because that isn’t going to trip anyone up, right?

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How to Just Answer a Simple Question

If you say you receive a paycheck for doing your job, it sounds mundane and kind of depressing. If you tweak your perspective and say that you’re being bribed to perform certain services, suddenly it sounds much more exciting, doesn’t it?  You can even up the ante by saying, “There’s a certain highly placed individual I for whom I do occasional favors, and as a thank you they let me wet my beak.” Tell someone that, and they won’t ask any more questions.

Unless they’re a cop. If they are a cop, they will have many questions.

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How to Explain a Fictional Technology or Super Power

One might ask who Omnipresent Man’s powers are more unpleasant for: him, or everyone else. I would argue that they are most unpleasant for me, the guy who thought them up, and as such is has to explain them in a way that makes sense.

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How to Justify Investing in Quality Merchandise

If you buy a quality item, it will last. I wrote this comic seven years ago, and I still have that steel ruler. I can see it right now, sticking out of the organizer on Missy’s desk.

Okay, I don’t have it, but I have access to it, and that’s just as good. That’s what Missy tells me, at least. I’m not going to argue. She might hit me with the steel ruler.

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How to Teach People About an Uncomfortable Subject

I do enjoy the game Risk. Having an app on my phone that I can play against has been a boon, as no human is willing to play with me anymore. Also, the app does all of the dice rolling and the math. All I have to do is decide where to attack, and look smug or close the app and declare, “This game doesn’t count” when things don’t go well.

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How to Turn Down a Food Item That You Do Not Want

I am from the Yakima valley of Washington state. Apple country. Specifically, Red Delicious apple country. I hate Red Delicious apples, and it’s not just because many of my memories of them involve having them thrown at me (They’re so plentiful in Yakima that they are what you throw at someone when you don’t want to waste a good rock).

They’re the apples you get when you say, “Give me an apple,” but you don’t specify what kind. They’re the fruit equivalent of generic beer, or scotch that comes in a big plastic jug.

Note from Missy: Scott has written something SO TOTALLY WRONG in this comic.

He used the sound effect “CRUNCH” for a Red Delicious apple; for an apple that mushy and lifeless, it should have been more like “SMUSH.”

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