How to Be the Life of the Party

I almost want to go to the trouble to learn to play the guitar just so that I can play Piano Man on it.

I know this will offend more than one reader who plays their acoustic guitar at parties, but I really do feel that doing so kills the party, or at least puts it on hold until they stop playing. Then again, my primary means of trying to be interesting at parties is by talking, and the guitar makes it hard to do that, so maybe it’s just that the guitarist and I are working at crossed purposes. If only there was a way to combine talking and guitar . . .

I wonder if there’s guitar tablature for One Night in Bangkok, or any of William Shatner’s spoken word pieces. What could be more entertaining at a party than a live acoustic recreation of Shatner’s rendition of Rocket Man?

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How to Act "Manly"

Nothing is less manly than worrying about whether what you’re doing is manly or not. Picture Clint Eastwood worrying about if what he’s doing is “manly.” I can’t. The man became famous wearing a poncho, and playing a character called “Blondie.” He didn’t worry about if it looked manly. He recognized that he made it look manly by being the one doing it.

John Wayne, on the other hand, did worry about looking manly. He once Gave Kirk Douglas a hard time about playing “effeminate weaklings.” To be fair, that might have been the mental fallout from growing up with the name Marion.

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How to Grow Up

Yeah, when my brothers and I started taking an interest in pop and rock music, our mother was deeply concerned about what kind of messages the music in question was sending to her impressionable young boys. I understand her concern, but I was primarily listening to Phil Collins. The main message of his work in the ’80s was that when the woman you love eventually dumps you, try your hardest to win her back, by groveling. Not a great message, but it’s pretty much the opposite bad message of the one she was worried about.

She, meanwhile, loved Johnny Paycheck, and played his music constantly around the house. Here are two of her favorites.

15 Beers – An uptempo number about binge drinking because your girlfriend dumped you for a wealthier man.

Billy Bardot – the stirring tale of a group of friends murdering a narcotics officer.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

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How to Assemble a Mighty Team of Superheroes

Here it is, the core of the team has assembled! Sure, we’re still missing Mr. Everywhere, and Stabby, but that’s like saying that the Super Friends aren’t really assembled because Robin and Gleek the space monkey aren’t present.

Although, again, I could make the argument that Mr. Everywhere is present, just out of frame, in every panel of the comic.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to advise a Friend Who's Considering Proposing Marriage

I really did talk a guy out of proposing to his girlfriend though a complex scavenger hunt. My position was that if she wants to marry you, nothing you do leading up to the actual proposal will be more memorable than the moment you propose. If, on the other hand, she doesn’t want to marry you, you’ve made an already awkward moment more difficult for both of you, because of the effort you put in to planning it, and the fact that she had to figure out a scavenger hunt to get the opportunity to turn you down.

Also, the difficulty level would be an issue. If the scavenger hunt is too easy, the person you’re proposing to might find it insulting. If it’s too hard they may say no out of frustration. If they don’t solve it at all, you’ll have to lead into your proposal with a condescending explanation of the puzzle they couldn’t solve.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Correct Your Mistakes

I’ve written four collections of comics, and am working on my ninth (!!!!!) novel. I can tell you from experience that the editing is the hardest part, both in terms of difficulty and emotional impact. The fact that it takes a team of trained experts to create the illusion that I passed sixth-grade grammar is not lost on me.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to a Happy Person

I’ve had multiple friends of both genders who shared the affliction of being attracted primarily to people who are unreliable, disinterested, or dangerous. It often strikes me as odd that some evolutionary drive propels certain people to try to reproduce with people that they would never consider hiring as a babysitter. That seems to me to be one of evolutions ways of gently removing people from the gene pool.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Use Your Friends' Hobbies to Your Advantage

I was a runner at one time. I was up to three miles a day. It was when I was living deep in the farm country of Eastern Washington, during my brief stint in radio. I would run a mile and a half out then turn back, jogging past the fields of grapes and asparagus, and pretend not to notice the irritated glances of the field crews.

One day, when I was within sight of the mile and a half mark, I stepped in a hole and badly rolled my ankle. I tore loose all of the ligaments on the left side of my left ankle. I then got to limp the mile and a half back and pretend not to notice the open mockery and laughter of the field crews.

For some reason, I never went back to running.

Hey, just so you know, all through the month of September (2017, in case you’re reading this in the far distant future), the Kindle edition (See, in this time period, eBooks are still locked in a format war, and their prices are set differently in different regions, as the global economy has not yet unified under the singular global currency, the “Gleuro.”) of my latest book, Run Program (As of this time, I have not yet written my later works, including the multi-volume series about my as-yet uninvented character, the hard-boiled detective Victor Lamaze. How quaint this primitive version of the world must seem to you.), is on sale in the US for only $1.99.  (Roughly three hundred Gleuro, adjusted for inflation.)

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Accept Creative Input from a Friend

And here’s the Knifeketeer, who I think might actually be my favorite character in all of basic Instructions.

For a brief time, Stan Lee had a reality show where people who wanted to be superheroes came up with their own superhero names and went through “training” to see which one would end up getting their own comic, and presumably, be beaten up by authentic petty criminals.

Anyway, one of the guys came up with a character who was a mercenary who used high powered automatic rifles to fight crime. Stan Lee made it clear that he didn’t like this idea, stating several times, “heroes don’t kill people.”

 It’s hard to argue with that sentiment, but if you look at Marvel Comics, you’ll find The Punisher, who literally uses high powered automatic rifles to fight crime, and Wolverine, arguably their most popular hero, whose primary offensive skill is to run people through with his claws. But, to be fair, we seldom see the aftermath of one of Wolverine’s acts of heroism. For all I know he might just be grievously wounding evildoers.

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How to Tell Someone That They Are Wrong

This comic is based directly—l mean word-for-word directly—on an actual moronic conversation I had with a friend. He really felt this way about the first Abrams Star Trek movie, for the reason listed here, and admitted to not liking Bond movies either. The guy is still a friend, and is actually proud of this conversation, which I think proves that some people are just born fundamentally wrong.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).