How to Create a Commercially Viable Series of Popular Books

Panel three of this comic contains one of my rare attempts at actual cartooning. It’s not too bad, overall, but Duke’s hands on the steering wheel need work.

Another idea I had for a children’s book based on a completely inappropriate book for adults was a version of Fight Club called Friend Club. The plot of that move mapped pretty naturally onto the concept of a lonely boy with an imaginary friend—some might say more naturally than it did to the actual concept.

I’ve scrapped the entire idea, because in the end nothing I come up with would ever be funnier than the actual, not made as a joke, series of DUNE coloring books.

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How to Share a Heartwarming Tale from Your Childhood

Everything I say about my mother and the plaster jaw in this comic is true, right down to the little flowers she painted on it.

She also had a pair of earrings that were made of artificial molars.

One of my more prized possessions is an old tooth chart she gave me. It’s this nice hinged case full of individual fake teeth all laid out in neat rows. Back in the day, dentists would use it to compare the person’s real teeth to the samples on the chart, so they would order a good match. I think it’s cool.

When I first got it, I took it to a friend’s house, thinking it was the right mixture of gross and cool for kids to enjoy. My friend’s wife took one look at it and told me to get it out of her house. Later, when we discussed it, she explained that she’d thought it was some kind of Nazi memorabilia. I completely understand her kicking me out, in that case, but’s not a good feeling to have to explain to someone that one of your possessions isn’t evil, just disgusting.

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How to Capitalize on Future Technology

This was a real news story. I read about it eight years ago, and got all excited, but so far nothing’s come of it. Forget flying cars, I want a car that runs on urine.

That’s the aggravating thing about being interested in future technology. We hear about possible breakthroughs so early that by the time science and industry can work together to deliver on the promises, we’re bored with the very idea, and have moved on to something else. For example: there are three different high-quality virtual reality systems I could buy right now, but I’m far more interested in the augmented reality headset Microsoft is working on, which is completely unavailable and has a severely limited field of view.

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How to Evaluate a New Medication

Rick is in the exact same pose in all four panels. I can explain this: see, he thinks he’s telling me about his anti-depressants for the first time in all four panels, and since he’s saying the same thing each time, it makes sense that his body language would be the same in all four panels as well.

His fictional memory loss was a fine cover for my all-too-real ambition loss.

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How to Sell People on Your Revolutionary Invention

The interesting thing about security methods is that there’s a way around all of them. The only way to make something truly theft-proof is to make it totally inaccessible to anybody, including yourself. If people can reach a thing, people can steal a thing. As soon as it was announced that the wreck of the Titanic had been found, an expedition was planned to go out there and take some stuff.

Back when I was a stand-up comic, I used to videotape my act occasionally. If I couldn’t lock my camcorder to a pole or something, I would use my cable-lock to elaborately secure the camcorder to its own tripod. It made the whole package harder for a thief to conceal, but also forced the thief to steal both the camera and the tripod, when the camera was all they wanted. Shrewd!

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How to Figure Out What Someone Said

I often mutter to myself when I’m thinking things through. Because of this comic, I spent a great deal of time puttering around the house mumbling about wagging my bag.

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to "Riff" on an Idea

I don’t know when comedians started using the word “riff.” I’m certain that it stems from some stand-up comics’ delusional wish to be seen as the jazz musicians of comedy. Just like some other stand-up comics claim to be the fighter pilots of comedy.

Those are both things I had more than one comedian say to me over the course of my comedy career.

Whenever somebody tells you they’re the “something much cooler” of “whatever it is that they actually are,” it’s indicative of a serious self-esteem problem. Take it from someone who grew up near Yakima, the town that calls itself “The Palm Springs of Washington.”

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Engage in Deadly Combat Like a Civilized Person

One might have expected me to actually draw Rocket Hat wielding the battle spatula, but I think we all know me better than that by now.

This comic is the first appearance of the second, and final, moon minion costume. It is, for the record, adult sized footie pajamas. Most people didn’t figure that out, because I never did a comic where you clearly saw the moon minion’s feet.

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Videotape Your Will

I intend to start my video will this way. If I do, I will make it clear that my surroundings area rented set, so not only will none of my beneficiaries get any of the items they see in the video, bet procuring them for said video cost quite a bit of money, reducing how much there is left for anyone to inherit.

I know they won’t be happy with me, but at that point, what are they going to do?

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Weigh Your Options

I’ve tried several different types of razor, and found that they all workd equally well, if the goal is to lacerate my face-meat.

Two different razor manufacturers ended up sending me free samples of their products to review after this comic ran. I found that I was perfectly capable of cutting my cheeks and neck to ribbons regardless of what razor I used. I’m currently using a Panasonic electric razor, with which I’m very happy. I’ll admit that if you keep up with replacing the blades and screens it doesn’t work out to be all that much cheaper than disposables, but I lose a lot less blood, and I get to use a gadget!

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).