How to Sell People on Your Revolutionary Invention

The interesting thing about security methods is that there’s a way around all of them. The only way to make something truly theft-proof is to make it totally inaccessible to anybody, including yourself. If people can reach a thing, people can steal a thing. As soon as it was announced that the wreck of the Titanic had been found, an expedition was planned to go out there and take some stuff.

Back when I was a stand-up comic, I used to videotape my act occasionally. If I couldn’t lock my camcorder to a pole or something, I would use my cable-lock to elaborately secure the camcorder to its own tripod. It made the whole package harder for a thief to conceal, but also forced the thief to steal both the camera and the tripod, when the camera was all they wanted. Shrewd!

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How to Figure Out What Someone Said

I often mutter to myself when I’m thinking things through. Because of this comic, I spent a great deal of time puttering around the house mumbling about wagging my bag.

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to "Riff" on an Idea

I don’t know when comedians started using the word “riff.” I’m certain that it stems from some stand-up comics’ delusional wish to be seen as the jazz musicians of comedy. Just like some other stand-up comics claim to be the fighter pilots of comedy.

Those are both things I had more than one comedian say to me over the course of my comedy career.

Whenever somebody tells you they’re the “something much cooler” of “whatever it is that they actually are,” it’s indicative of a serious self-esteem problem. Take it from someone who grew up near Yakima, the town that calls itself “The Palm Springs of Washington.”

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Engage in Deadly Combat Like a Civilized Person

One might have expected me to actually draw Rocket Hat wielding the battle spatula, but I think we all know me better than that by now.

This comic is the first appearance of the second, and final, moon minion costume. It is, for the record, adult sized footie pajamas. Most people didn’t figure that out, because I never did a comic where you clearly saw the moon minion’s feet.

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Videotape Your Will

I intend to start my video will this way. If I do, I will make it clear that my surroundings area rented set, so not only will none of my beneficiaries get any of the items they see in the video, bet procuring them for said video cost quite a bit of money, reducing how much there is left for anyone to inherit.

I know they won’t be happy with me, but at that point, what are they going to do?

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Weigh Your Options

I’ve tried several different types of razor, and found that they all workd equally well, if the goal is to lacerate my face-meat.

Two different razor manufacturers ended up sending me free samples of their products to review after this comic ran. I found that I was perfectly capable of cutting my cheeks and neck to ribbons regardless of what razor I used. I’m currently using a Panasonic electric razor, with which I’m very happy. I’ll admit that if you keep up with replacing the blades and screens it doesn’t work out to be all that much cheaper than disposables, but I lose a lot less blood, and I get to use a gadget!

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program, is out now! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Listen to a Coworker's Complaints

Yet again, sadly, this comic is based on an actual conversation. A coworker of mine told our supervisor he was smarter than her, and was surprised when she didn’t take “the news” well.

This comic was made way back when one would have to “go get” a video camera. Now, many of us just happen to have HDTV cameras on us at all times, attached to the supercomputers we use as phones. You never know what’s going to date a comic.

Hey, by the way, my latest book, Run Program comes out Tuesday, the 20th! It's a book about a rogue AI that has the intelligence of a child. You might think that would make the AI less dangerous, but you'd be wrong. Anyway, I'm quite proud of it. Please check it out, if you have a chance.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Teach (The Drill Sergeant Method)

As I remember, this comic was actually inspired by an episode of America’s Next Top Model. (Missy used to watch. I would be in the room, doing other things, within sight and earshot of the TV . . . DON’T JUDGE ME!)

Anyway, they had the contestants work with a runway walk coach who started by informing them all that he was far too important to make any effort to learn any of their names, and would be calling all of them “Pumpkin Pie.” Then he had them, one by one, show him their runway walk. Each contestant took three or four steps before he barked, “Wrong. Sit down,” but offered no explanation as to what they’d done wrong or how to fix it.

Applying military boot-camp techniques to teach something as low-stakes as stagecraft struck me funny, so I applied it to office technical support.  

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How to Repel the Inevitable Invasion of the Moon-Men

Here it is, the first appearance of one of my greatest creations: the Moon Minion!

I kid. The Emperor of the Moon is one of my favorite characters I ever came up with. It’s funny, because the original idea for this comic was all about Rocket Hat. The Emperor was just the villain I came up with for him to fight. As I wrote it, the Emperor got more and more dialog, and I soon realized that rocket hat wasn’t saying or doing anything at all. This is how running jokes are born, sometimes.

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How to Create an Urban Legend

The octo-chicken rumor is one I actually heard from a random person who believed it.

On an unrelated note, I was recently back in Seattle for a brief time, and it took less than an hour for me to get caught up in a conversation with a genuine Seattle-style crazy person. Some random guy on the street offered me a swig from his thermos, which he said was full of Wenatchee river water he had “made potable.” He went on to explain that a huge earthquake was coming, but that it wouldn’t really be an earthquake. It was more likely to be something to do with the nuclear missiles stationed on Whidbey Island.

Don’t get me wrong. Arizona and Florida both have their share of crazy people, but they’re not the same as Seattle crazy people. In Arizona, we get people who are obsessed with golf, but have moved to the one city in the United States where playing it in the summer can kill you. In Florida, you get the “God told me to build this massive pickup truck, and fill it with two cartons of every brand of cigarette” kind of crazy. Only in Seattle do you get the talkative conspiracy-theorist who’s also a naturalist, talking to you on a city street corner.

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