How to End a One-Sided Conversation

All of my comics bashing the trombone are based (pretty loosely) on actual conversations I’ve had with a real friend.

That friend is Rick.

He used to be a professional jazz trombonist, and is still quite good. It’s also true that he has no respect for the valve trombone.

After all the grief I’d given him about every other aspect of his life, I thought picking on him over the trombone was a step too far. In retrospect, giving the trombones to mullet boss was still a pretty grave insult.

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How to Display an Item of Great Historical Significance

After this comic ran, I heard from more than one reader informing me that Gandhi had no problem with guns. That may be true. I’ve done minimal research on the web, and found sites claiming both that he was for and against guns.

I stand by this comic’s central premise, however: that Gandhi owning a fancy silver-plated six-shooter with ivory handles engraved “The Passive Resister” would have been, at best, off-brand.

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How to Save the Earth

Missy and I lived in Seattle for many years. Seattle is a pretty green place, both literally and in terms of people’s attitudes toward the environment.

Then we moved to Florida, which is also a very green place literally, but in terms of environmental attitudes, not so much. We had difficulty finding a used hatchback to buy, but if we’d wanted a full-sized truck there’d have been no problem. I asked a neighbor at our apartment complex where the recycle bins were and she laughed at me.

The biggest surprise, though, was the ready availability of Styrofoam cups. The first time Missy and I went into a mini-mart and saw a stack of white foam cups, we thought it was some sort of illegal pirate operation that the authorities had yet to shut down. Whenever we had visitors from Seattle they’d mention the Styrofoam cups. The very sight of them was unnerving.

We swore that we wouldn’t use them, just on principle. That lasted almost halfway through the first summer. 98 degrees with 100% humidity gives one an appreciation for Styrofoam.

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How to Figure Out "WHAT?!"

Missy doesn’t actually pull this kind of thing. What’s far more common is for her to be in a fine mood, but I, in a fit of neurosis, convince myself that something’s wrong and pester her about it until she finally has to tell me that something is wrong, and that something is me.

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How to Maintain a Peaceful Break Room

I just read about a meme in which people improve the open lines of books by following them with the line “And then the murders began.”

Take the opening line of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:

“We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. And then the murders began.”

I would argue that one could also improve almost any book by doing the same thing with Jenkins’ line of dialog from the second panel.

“We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. And then the boobs come out.”

Also, thinking about this comic, I’d be surprised if there isn’t a subgenre of erotic literature made up of stories that take place immediately after the rapture.

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How to Make a Recommendation

This comic was written right after the IKEA in Orlando opened. I got to watch my Floridian friends discover the place.

Everybody loved the IKEA except for one person, who hated it so much she went to Bed Bath & Beyond and bought something she didn’t need, just as a “palate cleanser.”

She didn’t like IKEA’s “We make you walk through everything to buy anything!” layout, preferring instead Bed Bath & Beyond’s “Look, here’s everything, all at once, as soon as you enter, arranged on terrifyingly tall shelves, and hey, don’t you also want a bookmark that’s a flashlight and also charges your phone?” layout.

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How to Receive a Shocking Truth

Bugs Bunny’s willingness to dress like a woman and seduce Elmer at the drop of a hat didn’t bother me.

Daffy Duck’s constant attempts to get Bugs, his best friend, killed, didn’t bother me.

Watching Mickey Mouse in Steamboat Willie, using barnyard animals as musical instruments, disturbed the hell out of me, and still does.

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How to Find Your Place in History

I once saw a travel documentary where men had their ear hair burned off. It’s easy to find fault with this idea. Very easy. It’s almost hard NOT to find fault with it. That said, I think it’s brilliant. It’s fast, it’s effective, and it turns grooming into a daring, macho activity.

“Me and they guys are going to go rock climbing, then we’re going to do some mountain biking, then we’re all going to get our ear hair removed.”

Whatever woman came up with it (and yes, I’m pretty sure it was a woman) was a genius!

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How to Write Your Own Vows

I believe that if an engaged couple chooses to have a prenup, said prenup should be read aloud at the ceremony, before the part where the officiant asks if anyone objects.

Note from Missy: We didn’t really write each other’s vows, for the record. Not much room for custom vows at the Las Vegas courthouse. Also, I think the very last panel is a nod to the real Rick, who wished us “a happy five to seven years” when he heard we were getting hitched.

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How to Talk to a Mechanic

After this comic ran, more than one mechanic wrote to thank me.

The largest auto repair I ever undertook myself was replacing the water pump on a 1962 Fairlane. Because of the length of the bolts holding the water pump on, I had to pull out the radiator to remove it. Also, because I did not have ramps or jack stands, I ended up digging a trench in the ground, which I rolled the car over, then crawled down into.

Knowing that the car only ran because of my hard work gave me a great sense of accomplishment every time I started it up. Also, knowing that it only kept running because of the quality of my work cause me to never trust the car again.

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