How to Modify a Pet's Behavior

Life! Is funny. The cat in this comic passed away of old age years ago. We got a new cat, and as I write this, that very cat is mewing incessantly.

The cat is quiet for the most part, but every now and then she just picks up this little foam-rubber ball in her mouth and walks around with it, making sad little mew-sounds around the ball in her mouth. I’ve tried taking the ball and throwing it for her, but all she does is look up at me like I’m a monster and wait for me to bring her ball back.

Note from Missy: I call the cat “Ballmouth” when she does this. For some reason, Scott doesn’t like it.

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How to Choose a Gift for Someone You Don't Know Well

I remember where I was when I thought of this comic. Funny how memory works. Of course, it was shortly after the first time I saw a stall at Walt Disney World selling toy bullwhips. That makes the whole thing a bit more memorable.

As a longtime Indiana Jones fan who remembers what it was like to be a kid, I was delighted and envious. As an adult, and (at the time) a Walt Disney World cast member who was charged with helping maintain order, and often found himself having to deal with cranky kids who were Indiana Jones fans, I was less enthusiastic.

Note from Missy: the nephew in question will be old enough to drive a car next year. Hopefully, he won’t do it in the Batman mask and gloves.

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How to Suppress the Urge to Kill

I don’t actually admire Emperor Palpatine. He was just the first example I could think of of someone easily recognizable who was famous for urging others to kill.

Anyway, to counterbalance the unwholesome message of the third panel, I offer you this, the wisest thing Captain Kirk ever said about human nature.

Note from Missy: Huh! I thought for sure this speech was given to the dudes who had faces painted half-white and half-black, who were racist against the dudes who also had half-white and half-black faces, but the white and black sides were flipped. Some Trekkie I am.

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How to Apply the Laws of Physics to Personal Relationships: Vol. 3 Nuclear Reactions and Arguments

In my old stand-up act, I was the butt of many of my own jokes. The whole point of those jokes was that everyone, me included, knew that what I was saying was stupid.

For example:

“I believe that childbirth is the most painful thing anybody ever does voluntarily. Ladies, I give you that one. That said, you do have to admit, we men are taking your word for it. No man has ever had a kid, came back to the rest of us, and said, They’re telling the truth! That’s why I say we men should band together and tell women that it hurts to pee standing up.”

Problem was, if the audience thought I was just an idiot (which happened more than once), they’d assume I meant what I was saying, and they would “register their displeasure.”  Often, the shouting would begin before the punchline. One time just hearing a male say anything about childbirth set a woman in the audience off, causing her to end up publicly arguing against my stated position that childbirth is painful.

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How to Accept a Compliment That's Directed at Someone Else

Panel one features yet another friend who only appeared once or twice because I was displeased with the quality of my drawing. She actually requested to be in the comic, so I grabbed a camera, then asked her to do the usual set of poses new I needed for the comic.

“You’re talking to someone.”

Click.

“Good, now you’re confused by what they’re saying.”

Click.

“Great. Now you’re angry at them.”

Click.

“That’s all I need.”

In her case, we got two poses in, and she said, “I feel stupid doing this.”

My response, “Hey, you volunteered,” did not make her feel less stupid. I did get a pretty natural looking anger pose though.

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How to Maintain a Good Mood

One interesting thing about being a morning person is that enjoying mornings makes the other people around me enjoy their mornings even less. As the people around me get grumpier and grumpier, it tends to put a damper on my good mood, which acts as sort of a natural braking mechanism, stopping the vicious cycle before someone tries to strangle me.

Another interesting thing I can tell you is that in the first panel my left hand appears to have been replaced by some sort of trilobite.

Note from Missy: I don’t have much recollection of these old strips, so for the most part I’m reading them again for the first time. And for some reason, me in that second panel running the same checklist and announcing it made me laugh until tears squirted out my eyes.

How to Find an Innovative Solution to a Seemingly Intractable Problem

Four panels of me arguing with a wealthy man who has terrible hair and questionable theories about global climate change. It was funnier to me eight years ago, for some reason.

How to Get Vindication

For years, YEARS, I told that story, and I got called a liar more times than I can count. I always wondered, why would I want to make a story like that up? Did they think having seen this ridiculous, disgusting spectacle somehow made me feel like a big man?

“You think you’re cool, with your sports car and your successful career? Well wait until you hear my tale of gore, degradation, and animal husbandry! Then we’ll know who’s cool!”

Anyway, I’ll include a link to the relevant clip of Dirty Jobs, but I don’t recommend that you watch it.

https://youtu.be/klWeg2VDNPE?t=23

How to Analyze a Song

Since his death, I’ve sort of discovered David Bowie. See, by the time I started paying attention to music that my parents didn’t like (that is anything but Waylon Jennings or polkas), Bowie was in his “Dancing in the Streets” phase, which did not make me want to dig into his back catalog.

Shortly after he died I watched The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and spent two weeks driving Missy crazy humming “Life on Mars.” That song really strikes a chord for me. It is, after all, the freakiest show.

Note from Missy: Dang, now I want to watch Labyrinth. For the 50th time.

How to Make It Clear That You're Joking

This is one of those comics where I know that my intention was that three loafish full-grown men talking about ponies and boys was funny, but looking at it now, I can see where this comic might be construed as homophobic. I figured that in this case it would be more productive to admit to it and make my position clear than to just sweep it under the rug.

I will say this, though: Tiger Beat is an inherently funny name for a magazine. It doesn’t matter that it’s about teen idols. You could rename the Journal of the American Medical Association Tiger Beat and it would be just as funny, if not funnier.

Note from Missy: Huh, I didn’t see the possible homophobia angle on this either. Likely because I equate ponies and boys with 12-year-old girls. It feels the same as when I, a middle-aged woman, joke about being a 12-year-old boy because I giggled at a fart joke.  (Changing topic: I seem to recall that Tiger Beat had some of the best pull-out posters of dreamy ’80s dudes. Way better than Sassy or 16. Though in hindsight, those magazines all learned their centerfold game from Playboy and Penthouse, which feels disturbing in its own way.)