How to Correct a Coworker's Behavior

A long time ago, I worked at a Blockbuster Video. One day, the manager told me to break down some boxes. After the manager left the room, a coworker said to me, “You know why he tells you to do stuff like that? Because you’ll do it.”

At the time, I thought, That’s why I’ll have this job longer than you will.

Of course, it was a job at Blockbuster Video. The chain no longer exists. And even if it did, I wouldn’t want to still be in that job. Maybe I’d have worked my way up to managing the store, but that didn’t look like a very good job either.

I think I had a point when I started writing this. It might have been that I had a terrible job, which required me to do boring and unpleasant things, but that by doing it well I at least was able to stave off the ignominy of being fired from it.

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How to Defeat a Lie Detector

It has been proven time and again that the polygraph doesn’t work.

That said, they are kinda brilliant.

Think about it. If you’re being subjected to a lie detector test, it means that the person using it on you believes it will work. Telling them that it’s an unreliable pseudoscience is exactly what they’d expect a liar to say, so you can’t say it without making yourself look dishonest. Saying nothing about the lie detector’s uselessness, on the other hand, implies that you believe it might work, which just lends credence to its eventual result.

After the test, if it says you were lying, saying that the test proves nothing just makes you look even more guilty. If, on the other hand, the test says you were telling the truth, you’re not going to tell them it’s wrong, so false findings of honesty never get contradicted.

The polygraph doesn’t work, but the logical conundrum that keeps it in use works all too well!

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How to Simplify a Task

I have an electric toothbrush. I use it twice a day. I’d like to say that I do this because it’s good for me, but if I’m being honest, it’s more likely because I get to use my fancy electric toothbrush.

I have this theory that men are more likely to go for anything if it involves a power tool. That would certainly explain why the only form of house cleaning I can manage any sort of enthusiasm for is vacuuming.

I see there’s some sort of electrified flossing machine available too, but I fear that might be a bridge too far. I’m easily distracted, and I’d hate to see what it could do to your gums if one of those bad boys got away from you.

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How to Travel Back in Time to Deliver a Dire Warning to your Former Self

I made me and my past self not like each other because I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t. That guy was an idiot, and he’d probably think I was some old know-it-all who is on his case all the time.

For those of you who have read my books, that may sound like a certain two characters both named Brit.

After I did this comic, I threw together the comic below, which extended the conversation, and includes a reference to the game Psychonauts. I’m happy to include it here, but in retrospect I should have left well enough alone.

Note from Missy: Is it just me, or are the fonts weirdly small in this one? And is that possibly because of the eighteen tons of text that got squeezed into panel four? And while I’m asking questions, why does this one have a 2006 copyright date, while the others surrounding it are 2008?  Hmmm. At least I don’t have to ask why I have a sudden desire to listen to some They Might Be Giants.

Note from Scott: Yeah, this comic got put in the wrong spot in the overall posting schedule, so it's running here instead of its original order.

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How to Reveal a Shocking Truth to a Person Who's Not Ready for the Truth

This comic is still one of my favorites, and has permanently altered my perception of the Muppets.

Note from Missy: I feel like this might be the first appearance of my “rooster hair.”

Note from Scott: I believe you're right.

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How to Cope When You're Feeling Old

Yes, that is a drawing of my mother, and no, she doesn’t really ride a scooter everywhere. We would just rent her one when she’d come to visit us and we’d go to Walt Disney World.

I am a HUGE fan of renting the slowest member of your party a scooter when you visit any vary large theme park. Yes, it costs extra, but the benefits outweigh the cost. The scooter allows the slowest member of the party to effortlessly keep up, gives the entire party a chair that travels with them, and gives the most physically feeble person in your group the super-human ability to carry everyone’s coat, multiple purses, and a cooler.

I know that sounds as if I’m advocating using your elderly parents as beasts of burden, but that’s not the case. I’m advocating using them drivers. The vehicle hauls all of the cargo. They’re basically just like Han Solo! Who doesn’t think that’s cool?

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How to Select a T-Shirt

This is one of the few comics that where I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I came up with the idea. As with many comics, the idea for the third panel came to me first. It is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.

While making custom Infini-Tees for people didn’t work out, I am proud of the fact that I gave it a shot, and seeing my shirts on Wil Wheaton and Adam Savage was a big thrill.

And before you ask, no, I’m not making them anymore. As I said a few commentaries ago, it was just too challenging making acceptable likenesses of people I’d never met. The problem was even worse on the Infini-Tees, because the image was repeated six times at different scales.

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How to Apologize When You're Not Sure What You Did Wrong

I’m not going to get into a lot of detail here, because I don’t have to, but we’ve all seen an example or two of the classic, “I’m sorry people’s feelings were hurt” apology recently. It’s a gambit that works beautifully, as long as the person you’re apologizing to isn’t listening, or thinking much about what they hear. If they do listen, or apply even a little bit of critical thought to what you say they’ll realize that you might as well have told them that you’re sorry they caught you.

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How to Take a Nap

I tried using an eyeshade for naps during the day. I couldn’t sleep with it on. It turns out I don’t find being blindfolded relaxing.

I once worked with a comedian who said he couldn’t sleep in a hotel unless he had all of the lights on and the TV blaring full blast. I can only assume that he slept better knowing that other people couldn’t sleep at all.

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How to Talk to a New Parent

Yet another character who only appeared once or twice because I was never happy with the quality of my artwork. That’s a big part of the reason I discontinued doing custom portrait shirts and social-media profile images for people. My quality was so hit and miss, and it was always just painfully awkward when it didn’t work out.

“Thank you for your support. Here’s your drawing.”

“I look like a monster.”

“Yes. That is true.”

“I’d like a refund.”

“Really? I mean, I understand that you feel insulted by my drawing, but I don’t know that a full refund is fair. I mean, I did put a lot of work into crafting that insulting drawing of you. Look at the gaps between your teeth. That’s a lot of fine detail work!”

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