More Disney Talk

This strip was written two attempted diets ago. I am a weak, weak man.

On to a more pleasant topic, answering questions about Walt Disney World.

Where are the souvenir cameras located on the rides?:

I can't actually give you the exact locations of the cameras. I can tell you that the tend to be located at the place where you as a guest are looking at the scariest thing you'll see on the ride.  I hope that helps.

My wife and I are coming from Canada during the November slow season (at least, what I *hope* is the slow season!). Any suggestions for what we should do differently? Oh, and here's the catch... we only have 3 days there!:

Wow! ... Ambitious.

Be at peace with the fact that you won't see everything (Almost nobody does, but on three days, you can't even come close). Buy a guide book and plan out the things you really want to see.  Here are my suggestions.  Bare in mind, these are the things I would feel robbed if I didn't see in three days.  Your tastes will vary.

Magic Kingdom: Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Philharmagic.

EPCOT: Soarin, Spaceship Earth, Soarin, Test Track, and above all else, Soarin! Walk through World Showcase and have lunch in your favorite country.

Animal Kingdom: Kilimanjaro Safari, Expedition Everest, Dinosaur if you have time.

Disney's Hollywood Studios (Where I work): Tower of Terror, Rockin' Rollercoaster, Toy Story Mania (Brand new ride!), Lights Motors Action Stunt Show if you have the time.

Downtown Disney: Comedy Warehouse and the Adventurer's Club.

What do you think of the meal plan?:

Dunno. I've never used it. People seem to like it fine.

Does your boss have a mullet? What do you do for a living?:

No, my current boss doesn't have a mullet, but a boss I had shortly after high school did.  He was also a virulent racist, so I enjoy insulting him in print.

I am currently a trainer at the Tower of Terror, my favorite ride on property.

What's new since 2005?:

Off the top of my head ...

Expidition Everest, Finding Nemo: the musical, The Seas with Nemo, large refurbs of Haunted Mansion and Spaceship Earth, Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor (An attraction with a really unfortunate acronym), Block Party Bash and Toy Story Mania (which I really like).

I have three more quick Disney hints.

Hint 1: Before you leave on your trip go down to Target, Walmart or some such store.  Go to the camping section and stock up on disposable ponchos.  They cost like a buck-fifty a piece and you can carry four of them in the pocket of a pair of cargo shorts.  Not only are they good for the water rides, but when it rains in Florida it does not mess around and you'll want a poncho.  Disney sells ponchos, but they charge quite a bit more than a buck-fifty for them.

Hint 2: Speaking of cargo shorts and cargo pants, I suggest you wear them and use the pockets because ...

Hint 3: You want to avoid bringing a purse or a backpack if you can.  Security has a checkpoint set up at the entrances of each of the parks where they check bags and purses. There is often a line at these check points, and it's just kind of a hassle.  If you have no bags you just walk right through.  Also, that bag that feels light when you leave your hotel weighs eight tons by mid afternoon.

Something I know something about

Yalie is a hard word to spell. It just looks wrong somehow.

So, vacation season is coming up quickly, and one of the few topics I can actually offer any real advice on is how to enjoy a trip to Walt Disney World. Here are a few tips, which are solely based on my opinions and should not be taken as the official position of the Disney corporation. This is the first of what will be several posts on this subject. If you have no interest in Disney theme parks, please disregard the rest of this post.

Note to readers in the UK: I'm told that the weak dollar and strong pound have made Walt Disney World a surprisingly cheap vacation. It's worth looking into!

I'm going to start with two assumptions. That you're coming in the summer, and due to your children's school schedules cannot wait until the off-season, and that you are indeed bringing children. If both of these assumptions are correct, just know that someday you have to go to either Disneyland or Walt Disney World in the off-season with all adults or late teenagers. It's a totally different experience.

Tip 1: If Possible, Stay On Property.

If you stay at a Disney resort you will have free access to Disney's transportation system. You will not need a rental car. You won't have to figure out how to get from the airport to your hotel. You will have a ride to your hotel no matter how tired/drunk/sun-addled you get.

Also, you'll be given a room key that will act as your park ticket and as a credit card at all vendors within the parks. If you lose this card you can easily report it lost and get a new one printed. Also, any items you buy in the park will be waiting for you in your hotel room when you return that night.

Tip 2: RIDER SWITCH!!!

I can't tell you how many people who need this service don't find out it exists until it's almost time to go home.

If you have a child who is too small to ride a ride, that does not mean that one of the parents need to miss the ride, or that both parents will have to wait in the line, or that one of the parents will have to ride alone. Ask a cast member at the attraction about the rider switch program. One parent will wait with the child while the rest of the family rides. When they're done, the parent who waited and up to TWO OTHER members of the party will bypass the line. This means that both parents get to ride, the child is supervised and up to two people get to ride twice.

The system is there. Please use it. If your child is tall enough to ride but scared to, still ask a cast member. There are often things that can be done.

Tip 3: Fast Pass

The Fast Pass system allows you to make a reservation for an attraction so you can go do other things instead of waiting in line. You need to be aware that you can't get a Fast Pass for one attraction then run over and get a Fast Pass for another attraction right away. You have to wait a time before another Fast Pass will be available. They need to limit the availability of Fast Passes somehow or else the Fast Pass line would be just as long as the regular line.

There is no charge for Fast Passes. Anyone who tells you that you have to pay anything extra for a Fast Pass is lying to to you. If you have a park ticket, you are just as entitled to a Fast Pass as anyone else.

DO NOT buy Fast Passes or the like on the Internet. Any passes you can get through an online auction will be outdated at best, and most likely counterfeit. Using them can result in some really unpleasant consequences. It's not worth it.

If you have any Walt Disney World questions, please let me know.

This seems to merit it's own posting

I just want to thank everyone for the birthday greetings. They did not go unnoticed.

I love Google Earth

I don't really know what to say about today's strip, except to point out that I like kids. I'm just not always a fan of reproduction, if you get what I mean.

I'm posting this on the night of May 18th. If you're from Washington, Oregon or Idaho, I don't have to tell you what happened today. If you're not from the Northwest, saying "St. Helens" will give you an idea, but you really had to be there. 

I know, there have been many, much more traumatic events in the world since then, but still, having part of your home state blow the hell up, a spring morning turn into the blackest night you've ever seen in 15 minutes and see every town you've ever visited get buried under a thick layers of ash makes an impression on a 9 year old.

Once back when I was a comedian I had a flight canceled and in order to get to a gig at the Boise Funny Bone (One of the greatest comedy clubs in the country, ... seriously) I ended up flying in a little twin prop through the Cascade mountains. As my fellow passengers and I looked out the window we saw the view I've replicated in Google Earth below.

The guy in the seat in front of me nudged his friend next to him, pointed out the window and said "Mount Rainier".

"Uh, no" I said "I think you'll find that's St. Helens".

He turned and sneered at me, saying "No, I'm from Idaho, and that is Mount Rainier".

Gave me something to think about as I wrote my set list for Boise.

Happy birthday you lazy sack!

My birthday was last week, and as such I gave myself a couple of days off.  As such, there's no new strip for 5-15-08.

I'll be back to my regular posting schedule next week.

My doomed career as a demagogue

It has been several days since I posted the "Gay for Sports" strip. Many have asked me to post the hate mail I've received since posting. Here's the thing ... I haven't received any. I've gotten a couple of negative comments, but they are pissy at best, and not particularly amusing.

Clearly I'm not trying hard enough to offend people.

I've created this shirt, just because I can. We'll see if I sell any.

Speaking of seeing if we sell any, my book is now available for presale on Amazon!

One last thing.  I've fallen in love with a British sketch comedy show called "That Mitchell and Webb Look". Below is a sketch of theirs that dovetails nicely with some of the recent subject matter of my strip.

Having my cake and eating it too.

So, there are two versions of "How to Recover When You've Made A Controversial Statement". 

There's the one that I ran on GoComics, which had the following final panel.

And then there's the version I ran on my site, which had this final panel.

I wish I could give some clear, concise reason I went with the two different versions, but I can't. I have a bunch of little, stupid reasons. I think both versions are pretty much equally funny. I'm not too worried about offending people because I think it's clear that the joke is that I've come up with an arrogant, narrow-minded theory and my wife is telling me to keep my fat yap shut about it. If people think I'm honestly trying to insult sports fans, homosexuals, or perverts for that matter, they've misunderstood the joke.

At the end of the day "Gay for sports" felt more web-comicy" while "perversion" felt more "print-comicy", so one went to my website, and the other went to GoComics to hobnob with Garfield and Foxtrot.

Dorkery of the highest order

There is a ton of irony in the fact that this strip is running as I'm working on a follow-up to what has turned out to be my most controversial strip. 

I have received a few questions about last week's strip, which I will try to answer here.

The meaning of panel three is that the boss has a tattoo, which is located on his tailbone. Usually women get tattoos there, thus the (attempted) humor.

To the person who wrote "Woah, what did I miss?" to my comment about Torchwood, I must reluctantly answer "almost every episode of the show, apparently".

In the first episode the doctor uses an alien aphrodisiac to seduce a man and woman, both of whom he then takes home.  In the second episode the police woman makes out with another woman.  In a later episode that season the female computer expert gets a girlfriend who turns out to be a forest spirit or something. The butler is currently dating the man in charge, which isn't that great a feat because the man in charge basically rams his tongue down the throat of anything that'll hold still. That's the whole staff.

All that said, I wouldn't know all this if I weren't watching the show, which means I must be enjoying it. I just feel like they're putting their foot down a little too hard about this one thing. It's kinda like Star Trek: the Next Generation, where eventually every single member of the bridge crew led an armed rebellion against the federation.

To the person who described the cylon glowing spine as "nothing more than a cheap stunt to show Sharon's naked back." I say two things.  "Oh yes ..." and "You forgot Six's naked back." Also I agree that there has seldom been a more disturbing juxtaposition than Six turning into Saul's dead wife.