It needs to be said.

Sorry for the delay in posting. I really don't have much to say about this strip. The one before it though is near to my heart. Early in my days as a stand-up I was known for my analogies. One club actually advertised me in a radio ad as the master of the comic analogy. Here's a sample:

The penis is like the space shuttle. It's pretty reliable, but the only two times you use it that really stick in your memory are the first time and the time it didn't work.

Master was a bit of an overstatement, but I wasn't bad at them. Anyway I used to get into the same argument all the time, which usually ended with audience members walking away from me rolling their eyes as if I was being stubborn, so here, once and for all are three pertinent dictionary definitions.

Analogy: a: resemblance in some particulars between things otherwise unlike : similarity b: comparison based on such resemblance.

Simile: a figure of speech comparing two unlike things that is often introduced by like or as (as in cheeks like roses).

Metaphor: a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money).

So, as you can plainly see, when I would say that birthdays are like attacks of intestinal gas, in that women get them, but they lie about it, it was an analogy (and more than a little bit sexist).

On an unrelated note, if you like smart, funny TV shows and enjoy you some of the SciFi superhero action, you owe it to yourself to check out The Middleman. (don't let the fact that it's on ABC Family scare you).

Well I wasn't going to just post nothing.

I wanted to put something on the site, and due to my site's Neanderthal navigation system (I'm looking into options to fix it) there are many readers who haven't seen this particular strip.

Do yourself a favor. Go see Wall-E.

In other news ...

Due to my technical problems, my production schedule is off. As such there will be no fresh strip Thursday the 17th.

Sorry about that.

A job that suits your interests

Today's strip is about finding a job that suits your interests. Seems like a good excuse to talk about Walt Disney World some more.

Walt Disney World is constantly changing. New attractions are constantly being built. Old attractions are constantly being refined or destroyed to make room. This is the way Walt himself intended it. Usually the changes are small and widely deemed necessary but occasionally the changes are large and unfortunate.

Recently, Disney announced that it is closing down Pleasure Island, it's adult-oriented entertainment complex. Pleasure Island consists of several dance clubs, none of which were profitable, and two unique comedy venues that still get large crowds.

One of the comedy venues is the Comedy Warehouse, a comedy club where a team of improvisational comedians perform. There's great improv in many cities, but the comedy warehouse is unique in it's ability to offer performers a full time job as improvisers. This has caused the cast of the warehouse to become an incredibly sharp, experienced group who puts on a shockingly slick and reliable show. I should also point out that the building itself is the most beautifully designed comedy club I've ever seen. It's not perfect, but every seat faces the stage. There's a sound/lighting booth on eye level with the stage. The seats are terraced stadium style, so it's rare for a server to block your view. Finally, there's a phone at the end of each row. When the performers need a suggestion they can dial a phone on the stage and one of the phones ring until the person sitting next to it answers.

The other venue is in many ways an even greater loss. The Adventurer's Club is a 1930's club for gentleman adventurer's that is holding an open house. Improvisers in character as adventurers mingle with the guests and occasionally split off into one of three specially designed rooms to do a more formal performance. The walls are covered with trophies from the member's various expeditions. Many of the mementos are capable of springing to life with little or no warning and there's one illusion built into the building itself that was designed for Disney by Doug Henning.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my wife is a performer at the Comedy Warehouse. It's been a tough couple of weeks for her and her friends at the warehouse and the Adventurer's Club, but they are a talented group, and Disney is not without other opportunities for them.

My point is, if you're going to be anywhere near Orlando between now and September 27th, come out to Pleasure Island, while you still can.

Suckage

I'm a firm believer in sucking down. Sucking sideways can also be an effective strategy. When I worked in an office I made it my goal to leave all of my coworkers with the false impression that they were receiving preferential treatment, which can be described as "sucking in all directions".

My technological issues are resolved. More than one reader pointed out that I never would have had this problem if I'd used pirated software or cracked the DRM. I cannot disagree with that statement.

I took notes of my call to tech support, just because I thought it might be enjoyable for you to skim through.

3:06 PM: I call the number I was given the day before. All circuits busy

3:08 PM: I call again and get through

3:14 PM: I get through the phone maze to a human being. The customer ID number I was given the day before does not show up in their system. They ask for my name, address, phone number, e-mail address and serial number. I explain the problem.

3:19 PM: This person decides he cannot help me and escalates me to the "Dedicated Team.

3:21 PM: I reach Natasha at the "Dedicated Team" and give her my name, address, phone number, e-mail address and serial number. I also give her my activation number, which doesn't work.

3:24 PM: Natasha puts me on hold.

3:26 PM: Natasha comes back on the line to ask me if I mind being on hold.

3:27 PM: Natasha tells me she cannot help me and escalates me to the "Technical Team". She gives me their direct number, which is the number I called that escalated me to Natasha.

3:31 PM: At the "Technical Team" I get a man with a thick, hard to understand accent. He immediately puts me on hold. 

3:40 PM: The man with the accent is named Alvin. Alvin asks for my name, address, phone number, e-mail address and serial number.

3:43 PM: It takes a long time to get the spelling of my e-mail address right.

3:49 PM: Alvin tells me to hold down the control key and shift, then left click twice. He asks me what happens. I say "nothing". He says "It didn't give you an activation number? I tell him. I already have an activation number. It's right here on the screen".

3:56 PM: He says my activation number is too long. I shut down Illustrator and open Photoshop. It's activation number is too long too.

4:01 PM: He gives me a code to enter. It doesn't work. He puts me on hold.

4:03 PM: He gives me a another code to enter. It doesn't work. He puts me on hold.

4:05 PM: Alvin comes on the line long enough to say "Gimme moment please", and I'm back on hold.

4:10 He comes back and asks for the serial number again. I have to give it to him three times because he keeps interrupting me mid number. He then gives me another code to enter, which works.

 

Huzzah!

An ironic bit of timing

This week's strip mentions items that you don't think about until they let you down. I wrote it over a month ago and as I posted it today I was having trouble with something that had always been dependable, and as such I am dependant on it.

Let me start by saying that I LOVE the Adobe Creative Suite. You hear musicians talk about the feeling they got when they picked up their chosen instrument for the first time. That's how I felt when I first learned to use Adobe Illustrator. It (along with Photoshop and InDesign) has helped make Basic Instructions possible. At least it did until two days ago.

I tried to open Illustrator and got a message that there was a problem with my license. I attempted to reactivate online and couldn't. I chose not to call customer support on the Fourth of July, and was working on the fifth, so today (Sunday, the sixth) was the first chance I got. They asked for my customer number, which I don't know. They asked my name (which I do know) and phone number. Then they asked for my address. I gave them my current address, which they said was wrong. I gave them my last address, which was also wrong. I then listed every address I've ever had since I first laid eyes on Adobe Illustrator. No dice.

Finally the support person asked helpfully if I've ever lived in Virginia. I said no. He replied that the current address he had for me was in Virginia. He then asked for a company name. I told him the company the copy of CS2 is registered under. He said it was wrong and named some company I've never heard of.

I asked if there was some other piece of info I could give him to prove that I'm me. He asked for the software's serial number, which I had been looking at on my computer screen through this entire conversation, so we were in business.

He asked me to describe my problem and asked me a couple of probing questions. Then he told me that he was unable to help me and that he'd have to refer me to tech support, which is not open on Sunday, so I'd have to call back tomorrow.

As I write this I'm pretty much dead in the water. I'm downloading a 30 day trial of Adobe CS3 in hopes that I can produce strips on it until Adobe can get this sorted out. I will most likely not have a fresh strip for you this Thursday though. Sorry about that.

Now to answer a couple of questions about last strip.

I agree that They Might Be Giants is a great band. If you like them, but have never seen Gigantic, you should.

Yes, I did watch Voyager, and what's more, I enjoyed it! Why is that so hard to believe?!

Oh young Meyer, there's so much I'd like to warn you about.

This strip is based on a real experience I seem to have on a regular basis. I'm a sucker for these shows with a strong continuing narrative, but DVR's make it hard to discuss them without ruining the show for someone.

The first panel of this strip is actually a pretty good approximation of what my friend Rick and I looked like around the time Voyager was on the air. I don't miss my hair nearly as much as you might expect, but that's largely because I didn't really have good hair. I was at war with it most of the time. That said, I didn't take losing it well. My Dad is bald, all of my uncles on my Dad's side are bald, and my older brother was going bald, but I thought I would be the one to buck the trend.

I realized that the baldification process had begun one day while getting a haircut. The hair stylist was working on the top of my head and started pawing at the hair on the crown of my head in a confused manner. She looked at me puzzled and asked "When you got your last haircut, did you have them thin the hair out on top?"

I nonchalantly said something like "WHAT!?"

She asked again if I had paid someone to deliberately thin out my hair on top. She did not get a good tip.

If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it

Okay, so I'm stealing from myself. "The Moby Dick Bit" is my favorite thing I ever wrote as a stand-up comic, and I didn't want to see it die. I may yet resurrect some other parts of my old act, but I have no plans to at the moment.

And yes, I'm aware that the title of this post is a misquote of Moby Dick. You'd think Capt. Picard of all people would get his literary quotes right.

I told you recently that I had been picked up by two more papers, but I only told you the name of one, the San Diego Reader.  I'm now at liberty to announce that the other one is the San Francisco Weekly.  Slowly my empire begins to take shape!

Two quick comments on the news. By now you've certainly heard that George Carlin has died. He was my favorite comic for the first ten years I was aware that stand-up existed. I memorized "Class Clown" and recited parts of it whenever my Mom wasn't around. It goes without saying that I was an irritating kid. He will be missed.

The other thing ... I read this morning that James Dyson, the inventor of this vacuum:

and this wheel barrow:

is working on an electric car.  I immediately grabbed a post-it and doodled what this car will probably look like.

The future is a bright one, for people who want to drive around in a scrotum.