How to Talk a Great Deal Without Actually Saying Much of Anything

I am not what you’d call “outdoorsy.” My father is. As such, when I was a child, most of our family vacations involved fishing, clamming, crabbing, or picking blueberries.

For the first few years of my life we would sleep in tents, but then dad made a sort of home-brewed RV by building plywood furniture in an old van he’d bought as surplus from the phone company.

When I pointed out that our vacation consisted of spending our days looking for food, and our nights sleeping in a windowless van, I was chastised for my poor attitude.

 

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How to Use Technology to Perform a Repetitive Task

It’s funny how technological change rolls out at different speeds. When I took on my job as an office manager, I had already been all-digital with my schedule and contacts for years. (a large part of actually making a living as a standup comic actually comes down to schedule and contact information management.)

When I got the office manager job, many of the company’s executives were just beginning to make the transition from Rolodexes and Dayrunners to software, and it fell to me to do quite a bit of data entry. Then, often, I would be asked to print the information I had entered in a format that would easily fit into preexisting Dayrunners and Rolodexes.

The software of the time often had an easy means of making those prints automatically, but it still irked me.

 

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How to Watch a Movie You Are Told You Will Love

Because of where I worked, and my attitude about princess movies, I saw the live theme park production of Beauty and the Beast dozens of times before I ever saw the animated film. I don’t plan to ever see the live version they’re about to release, despite the presence of Hermione and cousin Matthew, because this man is not playing Lumière, and as such the entire enterprise is fatally flawed.

The thing that always struck me about Beauty and the Beast is that even after the Beast changes back into a human, everyone still pictures him as he used to look, and calls him “Beast.” He’s kinda like Leonard Nimoy in that regard.

 

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How to Stay Young

The specific model this comic was written about is no longer available, but a similar product can be had for under $50.

On a related note, I think that seeing something really cool exists, and knowing that you could buy it, but choosing not to because the item serves no useful purpose in your life is one of the hallmarks of adulthood, and also is one of the reasons kids find adults insufferably boring.

 

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How to Face Your Fear

I don’t trust birds. I think it has to do with the fact that we raised peacocks when I was a child. They were not pleasant.

Later, when I lived in Seattle, all I ever saw were seagulls in the distance and pigeons on the sidewalk. Over time, my mistrust of birds receded into the background.

Then we moved to Florida. There are birds there that are brave enough to walk up to you when you’re sitting down outdoors, like at a café, or in a parked car, and tall enough to look you in the eye when they do it. The first time I was confronted by one of them, my peacock-driven mistrust came roaring back. Then I attended a wildlife show where live birds of prey flew inches over the heads of the audience.

The next day, I wrote this comic.

 

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How to Have a Horrifying Conversation

This comic is based directly on a real conversation. A person I know talked about how his father never beat him, but did teach him right from wrong, using the improvised device mullet boss describes here. The person talking even referred to it as a homemade cat-o-nine-tails. I tried to point out the absurdity of the situation to him at the time. My father never beat me, just flogged me with an implement he made himself, like “Wonderboy” from The Natural. He was incapable of seeing it, and looked at me as if I was talking crazy.

 

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How to Come Up with The Perfect joke

This one makes me a bit uncomfortable in retrospect. I paint Mullet Boss’s interest as abhorrent, but still . . . uncomfortable.

As I get older I find that certain types of humor no longer work coming from me, not because society’s attitudes toward the subject have changed, but because society’s attitudes about me have changed.

When this joke was written, it was about a man in his early 30s talking about being uncomfortable in the presence of attractive high schoolers. That’s creepy, but it’s relatably creepy. Now I’m in my 40s, and it’s much, much creepier, even to me.

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